Out of the Darkness
by Nightingail-Cross
Summary: A young woman all alone in the world comes to Teaspoon for help. All get more than they bargained for. Teaspoon has to face secrets from his past as he tries to help those he loves. The Riders get almost more than they handle with this girl. She gets surprised by the Riders who won't give up. And Buck gets a chance to heal from Ike's death as he forces her to confront her past.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**: _Just to clarify. While "Out of the Darkness" and my other story (Nightingale's Lament) both feature heroines that are Teaspoon's granddaughter they are __**COMPLETELY different stories.**__ They both begin similar as they have the same inspiration__**. However in the 3**__**rd**__** chapter they go in different directions.**__ They have very different heroines/OC and very different storylines. The OC's you will see have very different personalities, strengths, and weaknesses. In addition these occur at different times, one before Ike's death and one after. ~~~~end of note~~~_

It was well past dark when I stopped in front of the small bunkhouse. The light was still on inside and I could hear people talking and laughing. It was dangerous for a woman to be out alone in a strange town, especially after dark, but I didn't have any choice.

I just prayed that my information was accurate, that the man I needed would be behind that door. Having stopped at the Marshall's office I was told the man I was seeking would be here. A man I had not seen for many, many, moons. A man I hoped would not begrudge me a cruel decision made by another. A lie that had continued for years and I had only recently found out about. We had both been lied to. Now would be the moment of truth. Was it really him? Would he help me as I hoped he would? Actually I didn't just hope, I prayed to the spirits he would help me. I was desperate.

Before I had a chance to knock, the door opened to a room full of people. At least six or seven people were in the room in front of me including at least one woman. I felt a little better knowing that a woman was present and I wasn't walking into a room of just strange men. I was weary. Days of riding the plains alone had made that a necessity. It wasn't safe to rest any more than I absolutely had to.

The one that answered the door was more curious than surprised. I am sure my horse had alerted them to my arrival. Though I'm sure they didn't expect a strange female to be standing at their doorstep at this hour. Desperately looking for the man I sought, I scanned the room. Even if I did find him I wasn't sure he would recognize me. Last time he had seen me I was just shy of my seventh birthday. One he had promised to be there for but never made it to. Now I only hoped he'd help me so I lived long enough to reach seventeen.

"Can I help you?", came the smooth voice of a blue eyed blond that looked like the angels in a picture book I once saw. His hair was shoulder length, with a strong jawline brown suede pants and white shirt. The white of his shirt and the blond hair made his blue eyes stand out. With eyes as blue as the Mississippi River he cut a handsome figure.

"I'm looking for someone", came my soft reply. Suddenly self-conscious as a room full of strange men stared at me. Again I glanced around looking for my future. Instead I saw several handsome men, a tall beautiful shapely woman, and a set of eyes that took my breath away. Big brown eyes stared intently at me. They almost seemed to look through me.

"Well look no further, here I am ", came the suave response of the blue eyed blonde. At least suave is what I think he was going for. Had I not been so desperate, I might have found him charming.

"I'm looking for Teaspoon Hunter", I said choosing to ignore his comment.

Out of the corner of the room that was in my blind spot came a voice, "What can I help you with?"

The voice materialized into man who walked out of the shadows to stand in front of me. My head had been bowed, but when he came to a stop I stepped out of the darkness and raised my eyes to his.

"I'm the marshal here are….", his voice trailed off as he stared intently at me. A glimmer of recognition dawned in his eyes. I remember as a little girl how he told me I reminded him of his own mama. From my small upturned nose, to the soft curls of my long hair, to my distinctive blue eyes, I was almost her spitting image. The difference being that my hair was dark brown, the same as my mama and the grandmother I never met. My Lakota grandmother I had never met as she died giving birth to Teaspoon's daughter, my mother Larksong. A child raised by others. The child he didn't get to raise that bore him a granddaughter he didn't get to watch grow up. A granddaughter with white skin, curly hair, and ice blue eyes, who was the very image of his dead mother.

The wife he had buried, the daughter he had buried, and the grandchild he had hopefully mourned. The grandchild he believed dead who was now standing before him. After all these years my hair was still dark and wavy. Curls that I knew were escaping my hat and braid. My distinctive blue eyes that some had said looked like ice on fire, that I know stand out because of my dark brown hair. Eyes like those of his mother. Eyes that he had grown up looking into that now looked back into his own. Did he recognize them?

We had both been lost in thought with the others watching in silence. I decided to break the silence by using my childhood nickname for him, "Hello Spoony."

The older man let out a bit of a startled gasp and actually took a step back. Several of the boys quickly stood up, perhaps preparing for trouble. I wasn't trouble. I just seemed to attract it.

"Sweet mother of…", Teaspoon Hunter said under this breath. "What did you call me? It can't be, but that name and those eyes…."

His voice trailed off as he stared at me a minute our eyes locked. Straightening himself out, he cleared his throat before continuing, "If I didn't know better I would swear a ghost was standing in front of me."

Softly I answered, "I could say the same thing Spoony."

"Josephine is that really you?", he seemed still unable to grasp it. I guess I couldn't blame him. I at least had a little time to digest the news. I had already gone through a range of emotions from disbelief, shock, then anger, sadness, happiness, and finally elation. Elated that I wasn't alone in the world and I had someone who might help me. Then to fear, fear that he'd reject me and not help me.

"Yes."

"I was told you died…", his voice trailing off.

"I was told the same about you", I explained.

Again we were both silent looking at each other. I was unable to judge his reaction, but I knew the range of emotions that must be below the surface. That is if he did miss the granddaughter he hadn't seen in 10 years.

Finally the lady I judged to be in her early thirties spoke up, "Teaspoon, why don't we invite our guest in?"

That seemed to shake him out of his stupor. Motioning to me, I saw him look around behind me. I'm sure he was looking for my escort, the escort I should have. Tentatively I stepped into the one roomed building aware again of our audience. I saw now there were eight people here, two women and six men including my grandfather.

Looking around I studied each of them as I am sure they did me. There was the young man that opened the door for me, a tall black man with gentle eyes and a kind smile sitting to the left of me. To my right was a young man in dark buck skin sitting next to a thin pretty female with shoulder length brown hair. Across from them were the two men that really got my attention.

First there was the white man with shoulder length dark hair. Dressed in black, his eyes had an intense guarded expression. The man was handsome with classic features but there was something about his expression and the look in his eyes. Curious, intense, and somewhat distrustful he was quickly taking my measure. It wasn't just as a woman though, but as a stranger someone to be leery of. It was a look I understood. Generally I didn't trust anyone until they earned it. People lied to you, they let you down. Right now I didn't have that luxury, I was desperate. I had to trust in Teaspoon. The man in black looked old beyond his years, his eyes looked weary, like he had seen too much. Still there was something about him that drew you to him. The strong jawline set off by the shoulder length brown hair. An intense brooding expression the vibe you got from him was different than from the blonde. Either way he'd peak your interest as the man was just down right attractive.

The other man was an Indian with brown hair past his shoulders. He cut a handsome figure reminding me somewhat of my mother's childhood sweetheart Hunter. Though he looked to be a few inches shorter than Hunters 6'2" frame. He still cut a handsome picture. Large soft brown eyes watched me intently seeming to study me. Not just how I looked, but my movements and actions. It was obvious he had grown up among one of the tribes. He was more aware than the others here. Reminding me of Hunter, he seemed to be one who looked for and saw more than others even when looking at the same thing. Because I didn't recognize him I knew he probably wasn't Lakota. He had to be around my age, likely a little older. I had lived on and off among my mother's people throughout my life so we would've crossed paths at some point. This one, well those eyes I would have remembered. His expression was contained but seemed more curious than anything. Eyes that seemed to see more than others, that saw past my dusty jacket and calm expression. I however was distracted by his handsome features. Purely superficial I know but I found him extremely handsome. Those eyes, the prominent Indian nose, and the long hair appealed to me.

The lady that spoke kindly walked up taking my arm leading me to a chair at the head of the table. Sitting down on the bench to my right she introduced herself, "I'm Rachel. You look like you just rode in. Can I get you something to drink or eat?"

As hungry as I was I shook my head no. I didn't like to eat in front of others, especially when I was the only one eating. I hated being the center of attention. I knew I had a piece or two of hardtack left in my saddlebag that would have to do for later.

"Let me introduce you to everyone", her voice soft gentle and welcoming. "Sitting to your left is Kid and Louise. Over at the other end is Cody who answered the door and next to him Noah. To my right is Jimmy and Buck. And your name is?"

"Josephine, Josephine Hunter, but most folks call me Josie", came my soft reply.

"Hunter. Are you any relation to Teaspoon?", the handsome man with the intense eyes name Jimmy asked looking only mildly curious. It almost seemed to me that he expected me to say no, but I was tired. Who knows how my exhaustion was causing me to misread things.

Looking up at Teaspoon who still stood silently in the doorway, I looked for some sign from him. Some sign of how I should answer that question or if I should. His eyes looked to Jimmy before settling on me. His voice wavered before he steadied it as he explained, "She's my granddaughter."

A collective gasp filled the room as everyone looked from Teaspoon to me and back again. As much as I hated the audience I had to find out what he was thinking. If he was going to reject me I wanted to get it over with.

"They told me you were dead", my voice was flat as I laid that simple sentence before him.

"They told me the same thing about you."

Lowering my gaze to the table I willed my tears away before responding, "I know. I mean I do now, I didn't at the time. It wasn't until just recently that I found out the truth. It took me the better part of the last week plus to track you down."

Raising my chin I saw all eyes were on me as I continued, "The Gambler told me you were shot and killed shortly after we left St. Joe's. He moved us briefly back east by his father, but we didn't stay more than six months. As the old man said he couldn't stand to look the dirty blood. The Gambler took me away from that, so I guess I have to give him some credit. We've kept moving around since we came back West."

"Dirty Blood?", asked the one name Kid looking puzzled.

"While my skin is white, he felt I was tainted by my dirty blood. My blood is dirty, because mamma was half Lakota", I said simply looking at the Indian named Buck.

"My wife, Josie's grandmother was full blood Lakota ", Teaspoon explained softly. I imagined it still pained him, her dying so young in childbirth.

Realizing I had to explain the whole situation, I looked to Teaspoon. He didn't seem poised to move or to stop me from talking. The opposite was true he seemed completely at home and comfortable with the others who were watching intently, "My mother and I had lived among the Lakota on and off throughout my child hood. As you know Spoony, the Gambler traveled a lot." Briefly turning to the others I explained before continuing, "I'm sure you can guess from what I called him, that he's a professional card player. So when he was gone for extended periods traveling to different big money games my mother would go home to the Lakota. When I was six we had been living among the Lakota for awhile before moving back to St. Joe's. Unfortunately by the time we got back the fever hit momma hard. Being seven months pregnant, she was weakened and couldn't fight it as well. She was in and out of consciousness for two weeks before the fever finally claimed her. I was only six. After her death I stayed with neighbors briefly before the Gambler came to take me away. When he sent word to Teaspoon about my mother's death he apparently said I was dead too."

"I didn't find out about the lies until the night I left for here. To be honest I'm not convinced I know the full story of what happened. I never got the chance to ask the Gambler why he did that. He wasn't the one who told me and wasn't home when I found out", I thought to add.

A questioning look came across the face of the handsome Indian called Buck when he asked, "I'm curious about something. I didn't see anyone else outside and only heard one horse when you arrived. How did you get here and who came with you?"

Looking at Teaspoon and then down at the table I hesitantly answered, "That's because no one was with me. I rode here by myself."

"From where?", Buck pushed the issue.

Letting out a long breath I answered, "From Wayford Station."

Everyone seemed a bit stunned. I knew as Pony Express Riders they knew the general route I had taken. They knew the distance I traveled and the danger I put myself in.

The one name Jimmy spoke up, "That's over 200 miles from here."

Looking up at him I could hear the resignation in my voice as I said, "Yes, I know. To be honest I'm not entirely sure how long it took me to get here. I'm not even sure what day today is. I'm guessing I've been riding for two weeks, give or take. I really just don't know anymore. After awhile it became hard to keep track. Especially since I couldn't always keep to the main paths and sometimes had to travel at night."

"But why go by yourself? Couldn't you have taken the stage? Or couldn't someone have taken you?", Cody inquired.

Shaking my head in resignation I replied, "No. Truth is even if I had money for the stage, I wouldn't have taken it. It would have been too easy to track and I wouldn't leave my horse behind. Besides there wasn't time to purchase tickets or wait for the stage. Circumstances forced me to leave quickly in the dead of night. I had only time to grab what I already had in a bag under my bed, a couple of possessions, and a few coins. A house servant Abraham gave me a bag of food and helped me get out. I was gone in less than five minutes."

Still Cody persisted, "Wasn't there a friend or a relative? What about your father?"

"There was no one to take me. I'm quite alone", was the simple truth I gave him.

"No you're not", came Teaspoon's voice. "You've got us. I don't know what trouble you're running from, but my boys and I will help you."

"He's right", came an assurance from the gruff sounding Jimmy. The gruffness was lessened by the twinkle in his eyes.

Cody piped up, "I never could walk away from a pretty lady in distress."

Lou smiled and Kid placed his hand on my forearm, "Of course we'll help you."

Buck said nothing but smiled at me and nodded. There was a pain behind those big brown eyes of his. I wondered if they mirrored my own blue ones. I nodded in response. Then Noah the handsome black man said, "Cody's right we can't turn our back on a pretty woman, even if she is related to Teaspoon."

"All right now, that's enough teasing an old man", came an admonishment from my grandfather as the others laughed. There was no doubt in my mind he wasn't offended. Based on his smile and twinkle in his eyes there was some inside joke I wasn't privy to.

Linking her arm in mine Rachel said, "Let's get you settled, I'm sure you could use a good night's sleep."

Thinking of my horse just outside, the only companion I've had for the two weeks and my only true friend I found myself saying, "What I'd really like is somewhere to take care of my horse. If possible some water and feed for him. I have a little money and can pay."

"Hogwash.", Teaspoon immediately responded. "I'm not gonna take money from kin. Besides this here's a Pony Express station, I think we can spare some oats and such."

"Come on. We'll show you where you can stable your horse. We'll help you brush him and get it done in no time", Noah said jumping up. I saw the others jump up to follow him out the door.

Teaspoon stepped to the side letting them out first. I'm guessing he wanted to wait for me. Rachel seeing this followed Lou out with the boys. I stopped at the door turning my back to it so I was face to face with the one man who could help me. A man who so far wasn't letting me down, I just hoped he would keep his word. The others seemed to think he would when they offered their help.

The teasing lilt was gone from his voice and his toned turned serious. "If I had known Josie, I'd have come for you."

"I know."

"The trouble you're running from, is it serious?"

"Yes. Carter will be coming for me. He's a dangerous man." Pausing I looked at the floor before continuing, "Had I known you had women living here I wouldn't have come."

My voice had been whisper soft, but I knew he had heard when I looked up into his eyes. Self-consciously I pulled down on the wrists of my loose jacket and shirt sleeve. Disgust flashed in the old man's eyes and then turned to concern before he could mask his reaction. Gently but firmly he reached for my arm pulling up the sleeve. The bruises from the night I fled were fading, but still clearly visible after almost two weeks, "He gave you these bruises didn't he? I bet there are more of them too."

"Did he...", Teaspoon started and stopped seeming unable or unwilling to ask that question.

When he couldn't finish I alleviated his concern somewhat, "No, he didn't. Not me at least, but, I've seen firsthand what he can do. He told me he was saving me for marriage. As for the bruises... ..yes, they're his handiwork."

"Marriage?", Teaspoon asked his eyes concerned.

"The Gambler promised me to him." Feeling the bile in my throat I admitted, "Actually Carter told me that the Gambler owed him money. Rather than give him cash, he sold me to pay the debt, called it my dowry. It was when I tried to defend my father that Carter told me the truth about you. He wanted to hurt me and show me how little the Gambler actually cared. Pointing out that a father who cared so little that he would lie to his daughter about something like that and then sell her would never protect her. Even from a bastard like Carter."

Pulling my arm away and pulling down the sleeve I said, "I wasn't going to let myself be a victim so I left."

Turning to walk out the door because I was tired and didn't want to get into the details I ran straight into Buck. Silently standing at the door he had to have overheard some if not all of my confession. His eyes gave away little, but at a minimum I was sure he had seen the bruises.

"Cody and Jimmy wanted me to tell you they're taking care of your horse. Rachel said to bring you over to the house so you can get cleaned up and settled", those eyes were looking straight in mine, but also straight through. There was something behind those eyes troubling him. I could see his pain as much as he tried to mask it. I recognized it because I saw the same thing every time I looked in the mirror.

Our eyes locked for a minute and he gave me a look that unnerved me. It was like he knew I wasn't telling the whole story. That I was holding back, that he didn't believe me as easily as Teaspoon. This one worried me as much as the one named Jimmy. They wouldn't be so accepting of what I had to say, but it was more there too. This one was holding back, like a part of him was shut down. It felt as if he recognized that in me.

Shaking my head I broke out stare. The lack of sleep had to be getting to me. I've been on edge since I left Wayford Station, never able to let my guard down. Never able to get a good nights' rest as you never knew what lurked around the other bend. You had to be weary of weather and of animals. Especially careful for humans who could find you, they could be the sickest animals of them all.

Raising my eyes back to him my voice soft, I gave in as I had to trust someone, "Take me to Rachel."


	2. Chapter 2

Rachel was someone I wasn't quite sure what to make of. She wasn't a victim, definitely not an old maid, but seemingly unattached. She was somehow tied to this misfit group, but separate as well. She like Teaspoon seemed to have seen her share. I saw her taking my measure as I had hers. Taught by my father at an early age to read people it was second nature now. A gamblers life and success was dependent on not only his ability to bluff, but more importantly to read people. The ability to count cards helped too.

Buck had led me to a separate house where apparently Rachel slept, while Lou it seems slept with the boys. It was something I wanted to pry further about but I was just too tired now to broach the subject lightly or politely. I didn't think I had it in me to be polite about anything right now.

Nodding his head to Rachel's good night Buck left without saying a thing. However our eyes met and locked briefly before he turned to leave. I watched him for a second before turning to Rachel who was looking at us quizzically. Perhaps she saw an attraction there, but that was all it could ever be. Never again would I trust a man, I wasn't sure I could truly trust anyone. Even if I could it was a moot point. Allowing anything to go beyond our looks tonight was dangerous. Carter would kill him, after he killed his friends and hurt Rachel and Lou. He'd wait to kill any man who touched me, because he'd want to punish him first by hurting those he cared about. Not that Carter cared about me, but I was his possession. He'd make an example of them all. He'd teach them just like he did Vic, Nebraska's father. Had I made a grave mistake coming here? What right did I have to ask this of Teaspoon? What right did I have to put all of these folks at risk?

Rachel shut the front door and locked it leading me into a small bedroom. It was on the first floor just off a living/sitting room. The bedroom like the living room was simply furnished. A bed, a washstand with mirror, a couple of hooks for hanging clothes, and a small table were all that was there. All simply made, but they served their purpose well. There was a small window directly across from the door with dark curtains over it giving me privacy. Rachel set the kerosene lamp on the small table and pointed to a nightgown and robe on the bed next to my bag.

"I wasn't sure if you had anything so I brought you one of mine. We can wash up what clothes you have and get you a bath tomorrow. Feel free to sleep in as long as you need to and I'll get you something to eat whenever you wake up. I know you're exhausted", Rachel's voice was soft and motherly. It made me miss my mother. It had been so long since someone talked to me this way.

Rachel prattled on about this and that from this guest room to the town, seemingly needing to fill the space my silence left. She indicated her room was just up the stairs should I need her. Desperately I was hoping she'd leave as I didn't want to undress until she left. I didn't want her to see the trouble I had, so I simply stood there waiting for her to leave. She either didn't take any notice or was ignoring my silent request. Seeing she was not going to leave I thought if she saw me start to undress maybe she'd leave me be.

Gingerly I worked to remove my coat as I was still sore. After the hard days ride today I was stiffer than I had been this morning. There was no way I could hide my pain and stiffness from her. Seeing my trouble Rachel moved to help me not saying a thing. She hung my long coat on one of the hooks and placed my hat and gloves on the chair. When she turned to see me I heard a sharp intake of breath and saw sadness in her eyes before she quickly masked it.

Had I not been watching intently waiting for it; I would have missed her reaction. She was almost as good as my father with her poker face. She continued to talk nonchalantly about the other riders and the town. With sadness she spoke of Ike, another rider who had died recently. Shot while trying to protect the woman he loved his loss had been devastating to all of them. Especially affected was his best friend Buck Cross. This explained the pain I saw in his eyes.

So engrossed in her story I hadn't realized she had helped me get my shirt off already. I didn't have time to hide my bruises from her. Nor could I hide the blood on my shirt. I had cleaned off what I could on the days it was warm enough to try and bathe. Without much soap it had been impossible to get all the blood out. I had only a small sliver of soap that had been left over and buried in my bag from my last trip. Bathing as I could, when I could, I rationed the soap. I wanted to save at least some to hopefully bathe before meeting my grandfather for the first time in 10 years. I wanted to make a good impression in hopes he would help me. This morning I had been lucky, it was warm and I had found a small pond to bathe in. There wasn't much I could do about my clothes though.

Rachel didn't make an issue of the shirt or the bruises. She simply gathered my shirt and skirt telling me, "I'll loan you some of my clothes until I can get these washed tomorrow. For now you can freshen up over there. There's fresh water, soap, and a towel. I'll give you a moment of privacy and be right back."

When she shut the door I walked to the basin working to remove the rest of my undergarments. The process was slow as my ribs still hurt when I moved. They were wrapped with what had been my petticoat. After riding the first night I had to stop because of the pain. Using my knife I cut the petticoat into long strips and wrapped myself as best I could. I hadn't removed it since. Fortunately I think the ribs were cracked but not broken. I'm not sure I would have made it through the trip much less the first night had they been broken. That first night though I was going purely on adrenaline. My horse El Blanco seemed to pick up on my panic and had run long and hard that night. I owed that horse my life.

After removing my undergarments I washed up as best I could, happy to wash the dirt from the trail off my face. Unfortunately removing my boots was almost impossible as stiff as I now was. As I started to relax a little now in the safety of this town, near my grandfather, the adrenaline was wearing off. The pure energy, the fear that had driven me the past week was receding. In its' wake was the pain I had put off feeling. Pain for the friend who now laid dead somewhere and the pain from the beating I had taken.

Shaking my thoughts from that night I tried to step into the nightgown. My muscles stiff not just from the bruises but from the many days spent riding, sleeping on a cold hard ground, and tenseness I had been feeling.

Rachel gently opened the door likely having heard my soft gasp of pain. There wasn't a hint of judgment in her voice when she said, "If you want to talk about it I'm happy to listen. If not I understand, but I think we should have the doctor check you out."

I shook my head violently and she soothed me, "Okay. Okay. Then we should at least re-wrap it for tonight. Would that be okay instead?"

Afraid she would insist on telling Teaspoon or sending for the doctor if I didn't agree I nodded my head reluctantly. Besides a part of me knew she was right it was time to be re-wound. Actually it should have been done days ago, but I didn't have the supplies or energy to do it. Rachel stepped out of the room saying she was going to get some wrappings.

I sat on the bed waiting for her and took the hardtack from my bag. It wasn't the most tasty, but travelled much better than bread. It was flat and hard just as the name said. I'm not sure where the 'tack' part of the name came from. Other than maybe it was because it tasted like and felt like you were chewing on the horses tack. It was made in such a way though that it could last many days though unlike bread.

Old Abraham had packed the food for me before he snuck me out of the house. He had been with my father for many years and was more of a father to me than the Gambler. The black man was older in years and going gray. His eyes were tired having seen too much. He didn't want to see me go through what the others had. So he had sent his son to the stable to ready my horse and brought me some hard tack and what food he could sneak out.

Right before I left he gave me what little money they had on them and what directions they could. Fortunately many of the roads I knew from the many times I had travelled with the Gambler to card games or when we went running from one town to another. I wondered now if it was to avoid folks he cheated, debts he owed, or to avoid Teaspoon.

Abraham assured me he would be safe as they were leaving as soon as I was away. They knew the risk they took helping and did not plan to come back to my father's employ. My father was gone on another of his trips leaving Carter in charge. Neither Abraham nor his son had any intention of continuing to work for that monster. Giving my father figure and his son and my friend, Thomas a hug as best I could I fled into the night.

Rachel quietly came in and I had been so lost in thought I hadn't heard her. I couldn't afford to be that distracted again, I had to keep my wits about me. Who knew when Carter would find me or how he would, but he would. I only prayed that Abraham and his son had gotten out of town before Carter found out. The man wouldn't hesitate to do what he had to in order to get information from them and to make an example out of them. To him blacks and Indians were less than human. Females, even white ones, weren't any better in his eyes. All were inferior, heck he felt everyone was inferior to him and didn't hesitate to say so behind peoples back.

Carter seldom said anything bad to someone's face, at least to white people. He was too good at playing the game, pretending to be your friend and a great guy while hiding a cold sadistic side. Woe to anyone who unsuspectingly did him wrong. He would find a way to get back at them, but seldom directly. He worked too hard to create a respectable persona to jeopardize it when he could just as easily hurt someone underhandedly. Just like he did to my friend Nebraska's father, Victor. Vic didn't respect Carter and told him so. Undercutting Carter on an important deal Vic had shown Carter just what he thought of him. Carter had gotten back at him by taking what Vic held most precious and I was the only one who could tell the truth. Carter had savagely beaten me to teach me to keep quiet, but it only strengthened my resolve to run. I knew though if he caught me, he wouldn't make the same mistake again. If he didn't kill me he'd beat me to the point that I couldn't escape if I wanted to. He'd break my bones and then my spirit.

Rachel finished wrapping ribs and helped me with the pajama top. Never had I wanted anyone to see the full extent of what he had done. Shame coursed through me, shame and fear. Still there was nothing I could do, I was so tired. I needed the help and I needed someone to lean on. All the same I didn't want anyone to know, especially my grandfather. I didn't want to see that look in his eyes again. The guilt, like he had somehow let me down.

"Rachel, please don't say anything to anyone. Teaspoon knows I've been injured, just not to what extent. It won't serve to help or change anything. At most it will upset him or make him feel bad. I don't want to do that, I'm already asking so much of him. Besides he's already agreed to help so there's no point in him knowing the full truth", from her look I knew my pleading had little effect.

"Josie, he needs to know. He's your grandfather and if he and the boys are going to protect you they need to know what they're up against", her voice soft and matter of fact. It was disarming to me and hard to fight.

Still though I felt the pain, anxiety, and frustration rise through me. I could feel my cheeks warm up and my eyes water. Rachel's eyes searched my face before finally placating me, "How about we discuss this in the morning? Once you've had a chance to rest and can gather your thoughts. Then you can tell me your reasons for wanting to keep quiet."

Deep down I knew she wanted to help me and felt that telling Teaspoon was the best way to do it. Regardless of how I felt about it, she made no promises. She made no promises because she was intent on telling him. Looking at the motherly concern in her eyes I felt so empty. In front of me I saw what I most desperately wanted, someone to fill the void left by my mother's death. I wanted my grandfather. I wanted the closeness he and his riders seem to have. I saw the family I so desperately wanted. I wanted to belong. Yet I knew all I could do is bring them misery.

What had I done? I never should have come here.

Nodding my head in defeat the wheels were already turning in my head. I had to leave tonight, before it was too late to save them. It was already too late to save myself. If there even had been anything worth saving.


	3. Chapter 3

~Author's Note:~ This part is a little bit darker. Unfortunately violence against women was not uncommon in that day and age. It's something that is all too common now. While I don't go into a lot of detail it is a bit darker. I hope you continue to read as this is truly a story about healing and love. **It's been noted that this story & my other are very similar. It's true as they were inspired by the same thing. However at this point this one goes off in a very different direction. You will also begin to see a differences in the strength, weaknesses, and personalities of the OC**.~~~end of note~~~

Quietly I dressed in the clothes Rachel had left for me. Not bothering to spend time tucking in or even completely buttoning my shirt as time was of the essence. I knew the riders would be up soon and they had the advantage of knowing the land better. I had to be on my way and quickly.

I don't think Rachel noticed I had left my boots on. If she had she probably thought I would remove them before bed. Since I had already decided to leave it seemed pointless to take them off. Writing a note with some paper and a pencil that had been in the drawer of the bedside table I left it on the still made bed for Teaspoon.

Slipping out of my room with my bag I gently opened the front door. Looking around I wondered what good times I was missing out on by leaving. The more time I had to think the more I realized what a mistake I had made. On my way here I had been so focused on finding Teaspoon and running from Carter I thought of nothing else. I never thought about the possibility of Teaspoon having a 'family'. Of his having others dependent on him, good people that I would be putting at risk. My father said Teaspoon was a loner and a wanderer. Having married several times, Teaspoon still never stayed settled. I had assumed he was alone as the Gambler and I were.

Looking around for signs of anyone I cracked opened the barn door and stepped inside. Hanging the lamp I had brought on a nail I went to my horse. He had been sleeping but stood up when he heard me talk to him.

"Sorry fella I know you need a longer rest, but we've gotta get going. We can't stay here." explaining to him as if he understood. He was a smart horse, smarter than some humans I know. Sometimes I thought he really did understand me.

"Leaving without saying goodbye to Teaspoon?"

Whipping my head around I saw Buck standing at the door. His voice had been cold and hard. His expression was almost unreadable. Standing there he blocked my exit and showed no signs of moving. We stood there for what seemed like an eternity. It seemed he had more patience than I did as I spoke first.

"I don't have a choice, if he knew I don't think he'd let me go alone", my voice was steady even though Buck's quiet entrance and stone cold expression unnerved me.

"You're damn right he wouldn't. It's too dangerous for a woman alone out there. Even for one who doesn't have Carter coming after her", Buck expression and voice were now angry. Suddenly he pulled himself away from the door and walked to me. Involuntarily I backed up, a habit I had picked up since Carter came in my life. It was instinctual. I did it before realizing it and couldn't seem to control it.

Seeing my action Buck came to a stop a couple of feet from me. El Blanco was nudging his head under my hand seeking attention, oblivious to the confrontation going on before him. I began patting my stallion more to calm myself than him. Looking back at Buck I responded, "You heard my discussion with Spoony didn't you? Then you should understand why I can't stay here. You all will be in jeopardy, especially Lou and Rachel."

"You need to let your grandfather be the judge of that. You've got no right coming back into his life after all these years to just disappear again the same night." His voice became angrier when he continued, "Where do you get off being so cruel to him? Are you so selfish and inconsiderate that you'd leave without at least telling him to his face? To just leave and let him grieve for you again?"

Anger built up in me at his words and what he called me. I knew my eyes had probably turned a dark violet blue as they often did when I was feeling extreme emotions. How dare he call me selfish? He had no idea what I was bringing here with me or what I was going through myself. I was leaving to be unselfish. I was running to protect those Spoony loved.

"It's not about me. It's about the rest of you. When I came here I had no idea he had people around him he cared about. If I had known I never would have come, you have no idea what Carter is capable of", the anger in my voice coming through and I didn't try to hold it back.

"I saw the bruises Josie. We can handle him, we've handled worse", Buck's tone was indignant, probably on Teaspoon's behalf. It was obvious he cared for the old man. If so he needed to know what he was truly up against and how I was leaving to protect him.

"Oh really? You think a few bruises on my arms is the worst he can do? You think a bruiser is all you're up against? Let me set you straight, you can see for yourself", my eyes were locked on his as I delivered that statement.

Suddenly without thinking it through going on impulse, anger, and adrenaline I dropped my coat. I quickly undid the few buttons I had bothered with and let my shirt drop to the floor too. Here I stood in front of this stranger in a sleeveless undergarment of Rachel's. I knew it barely covered my breasts, but I wasn't nervous about arousing him. Only a sick son of a bitch like Carter would get off on seeing a woman with bruises like mine. Buck didn't strike me as that type of man.

Visibly blanching it was Buck's turn to involuntarily take a step back. I knew I looked a mess. My high collared top had hidden the hand prints on my throat from when Carter tried to strangle me. My arms had the same marks. My breasts were black and blue still. The bite marks still clearly visible. It had been Carters way to brand me, to mark me as his.

I knew some of the bruises, like those on my shoulders were fading away some and turning more yellow than black. Some like those around my neck and arm were still clearly visible. Bruises still dark enough that you could clearly see all 10 of his fingers. It looked like someone had painted a glove on my skin.

"Is this enough to get my point across or should I show you more? Keep in mind Buck I was the lucky one. He let me off easy", I stated evenly but with the contempt and anger almost dripping from my voice. Anger that had been built up inside me and had been driving me since that night. Clarifying for him, "I'm not leaving to be selfish or because I'm inconsiderate. I'm leaving because I _am_ thinking of him. I intend to protect my grandpa and those he cares about. Carter won't hesitate to go through any of you to hurt me. As a matter of fact he'd enjoy doing that. Twice as much if Lou's a virgin, he prefers them."

Turning my back to him I grabbed my shirt and put it back on followed by my coat. I was reaching for my saddle when I heard Buck cross the barn to me. He put his hands on the saddle pushing it down as I tried to lift it. He was a breath away from me and his big brown eyes were staring directly into mine when I looked up at him. The hardness and edge was gone and what I saw there wasn't pity or disgust but something different. It was something I couldn't put a name to, something I didn't understand.

"Stay at least to morning, a few hours can't make that much of a difference. You can get some much needed rest and food. Give Teaspoon the courtesy of the whole story, he deserves that much. Don't hurt him this way, the pain of losing someone you care about never seems to go away. He mourned you once and from the look in his eyes and the sound of his voice I don't think he's ever stopped. Don't make him go through it again, especially not understanding why. If after you've talked to him you're still determined to go I won't try to stop you", his voice was soft and unemotional, non-judgmental. He was making a sound argument and I was tired. More importantly El Blanco needed some rest.

"You'll just let me go by myself then, if I decided to leave?", I asked suspicious.

Buck looked at me a second still so close I could feel his breath. He seemed to be debating something before admitting, "Yes, I'll let you go. I'll even saddle your horse for you, but alone? No, I can't do that. I'm not that kind of man. I couldn't let you take off alone and live with myself."

Debating for a minute I decided what to do. I knew if he wanted to stop me right now he could. I wasn't strong enough to fight him especially in my condition. I had my guns strapped on me, but I could never use them against him. He hadn't done anything wrong. I wasn't like Carter; I couldn't hurt someone just to hurt them.

A part of me took my time answering Buck as I enjoyed the closeness. It was different to once again be near a man and not be afraid. Not afraid. On some level I instinctually trusted him. Reading a person was a skill the Gambler taught me and had had long served me well. That ability that had warned me right away that something wasn't quite right about Carter. I had been right then. Do I take a chance that my instincts were right now?

Tired and not having a lot of options, I looked into those big brown eyes and knew I had once choice. Deciding to take a chance that my instincts weren't leading me wrong; I decided to trust Buck. I wasn't afraid of Buck. I somehow knew he wouldn't hurt me. I'd trust him for now anyways, we'd see where tomorrow would lead us. Nodding my head I showed my acceptance, "Alright. I'll wait until tomorrow, but then I'm going to leave. You can't stop me."

"Alone", I thought to add.

The corners of his mouth came up in a half smile when he said, "We can argue about that tomorrow. Just remember though, I promised not to stop you from doing what you want, but you can't stop me either."

"Damn, you're difficult and stubborn", the words were out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying. I hadn't meant to say them out load.

Grinning broadly now he replied, "Yes, I can be. I get the feeling that's something we have in common."

A small half smile came to my lips as I released my hold on my saddle. Turning to my horse I told him, "Well El Blanco it seems you have a short respite. Rest well my friend because tomorrow we travel again."

What have I done? What have I done?


	4. Chapter 4

Jerking awake the sound of hoof beats nearby sent me scurrying out of bed. Could it be him? Peeking out the window I saw what must have been another Pony Express Rider pass off a bag to Noah. Damn. That's right Spoony, the Pony Express Riders, and a safe haven for the night for both me and my horse.

Teaspoon. I told Buck I'd talk to Teaspoon today, but how can I face him? How can I show him my shame? Last night I used what the Gambler taught me to read Buck and decided to trust him based on that. A thought had nagged me since then, how had the Gambler not known? How could he not know what a sick bastard Carter was? Or did he? Was Carter right? Was it true that my own father cared more for himself than me? That he cared so little that he promised me to a monster just to cover a debt? How could he take a 'dowry' for me and not know what this man was capable of? Could I have been that wrong about my father? Carter said that deep down inside I knew he was right about the Gambler. A part of me wondered if he was right.

Gingerly sitting up I reached for the clothes Rachel left me. The same ones I wore to the barn last night. Last night when I felt myself affected in a way I hadn't in a long time. I felt myself trusting someone and more importantly wanting to. I wanted to be right about him, that he wasn't like Carter. Instinct urged me to trust him, but experience taught me to be wary. Nebraska had been trusting and it cost her everything. It had cost Nebraska her life. I could never trust anyone that way or let someone trust me like that ever again. Trust had no place in my life.

Getting dressed wasn't so much of a problem, but getting my shoes on was different. It had been hard enough last night to get them off. Bending over with my ribs and bruises was almost impossible. Briefly bending over to untie my shoes was almost all I could do last night. Going into the living room I had gone to the fireplace and found a small sturdy stick to aid me. Once the shoes were untied I wiggled the stick under the laces to loosen them. That trick wouldn't work to tie them again. What was I going to do? Go outside barefoot to find Rachel? I guess that was an option as the skirt was floor length and hid my feet. Still…

Hearing a knock on the door I jumped a bit before taking a calming breath. Carter wouldn't know I was in this building even if he came here. No one in town knew I was here, maybe. I had stopped by the Marshall's office last night, what if that man had said something? My fear was almost paralyzing me. I had to remind myself that the guys would be watching. Not knowing what Carter looked like I knew they wouldn't let a stranger go near the house.

"Josie? It's Buck. Are you awake?"

Relief flooded my mind and body. I could physically feel myself relax. Letting out the breath I didn't realize I'd been holding I said, "Yes, you can come in."

Slowly opening the door Buck walked in. Holding his black hat in his hand his long hair fell free. Long and dark brown his hair was a bit past shoulder length. Parted on the side he had it tucked behind his ear. Looking up at him I realized how much he reminded me of Hunting Bear. Hunting Bear was a Lakota who had been my mother's childhood sweetheart before the Gambler. Hunter as he preferred to be called was a tracker. He spent most of his time tracking outlaws and such throughout the territories with his white friend Cotton. I had gotten to know Hunter over the years when we were among the Lakota or when he came to see us. Is that why I was inclined to trust Buck? Because he reminded me of Hunter? Or was that why I was attracted to him?

Looking at Buck I couldn't deny exactly why I found him so attractive. Had circumstances been different I would have wanted to get to know him better. However, now was not the time or place for making friends or more, because it would only put them at further risk. Suddenly it dawned on me, why Hunter came to visit when the Gambler was gone. He and my mother cared for and were attracted to each other. I wonder how far it had went? Realizing how some of my thoughts were going about Buck I don't think it was hard to guess. My mother was only human and the Gambler was often gone. Why couldn't have Hunter been my father and not the Gambler? I could wish all I want but wishing would never make it true.

"Are you alright Josie?" Buck was looking at me intently, "You're so quiet."

Lowering my eyes I knew I couldn't tell him my true thoughts. Besides I knew I needed his help on at least one thing. So softly I said with a hint of embarrassment in my voice, "I can't get my shoes on. With my ribs it's too hard to bend over."

Not saying a thing to me Buck went over and kneeled in front of me. Gently he put on my boots and tied them for me, no judgment on his face. Standing up he reached for my hand which I cautiously took. Helping me up to a standing position it was obvious that what he saw last night was still fresh in his mind.

"You're here to escort me to Teaspoon aren't you?", I asked somewhat resigned to my fate.

"Yes." Buck waited for me to look up to him before continuing, "He's waiting for you in the bunkhouse. Just give him a chance Josie. He's a smart man and has faced a lot of things, some of them pretty bad. At least just give him the chance to offer to help. Don't be so quick to turn your back on everyone."

Saying nothing I followed Buck out of the house. I knew he was right, but I also knew what was coming. I knew all too well that happiness was fleeting. And yet, I saw here a group of misfits that seemed to form a nice tight knit group. There was a half blood, a free black man, a female rider (completely unheard of and a surprise to me), the beautiful Rachel, Teaspoon, and "Wild Bill" Hickok. It was kind of funny to learn Wild Bill's name was actually Jimmy.

"Did you know Teaspoon was a Texas Ranger and was at the Alamo?", Buck asked jarring me from my thoughts.

"No.", I shook my head absorbing the information. Stopping just in front of the porch I turned to Buck before continuing, "I didn't think there were any survivors at the Alamo."

"A band of men were sent for reinforcements, but the battle was over before they could return. One of those men was your grandfather", Buck looked intently into my eyes searching for something. Though I had no idea what it is. Pausing for a minute he then continued, "As a Texas Ranger he had to track and arrest robbers, murders, and the like. He's seen a lot and been through a lot. Just listen to what he has to say, that's all I ask. Then if your mind is still set I'll saddle our horses."

"Buck, you're not going with me", I said exasperated.

"You can't say anything to stop me", a determined look in his eyes as he said that. "As I told you last night, I can't let you go off alone and live with myself."

"I don't trust you", I said softly getting a reaction. Searching his eyes almost pleading for forgiveness I finished, "I've learned not to trust anyone."

Breaking eye contact I looked at his boots willing myself to stop, but unable to. It seemed I had no control over what was coming out of my mouth when I went on, "My father's a card player. I learned early on that everyone cheats, everyone has an agenda, and they're always looking out for themselves. I've learned you can't trust anyone, not even the people closest to you."

"Not everyone has an agenda, cheats, or beats people Josie. You can't base your opinions on the actions of a few", Buck seemed intent on getting me to change my mind.

"All I know is what I've seen and experienced. And that has left me cautious and guarded", I said over my shoulder turning to the Bunkhouse door. Placing my hand on the handle I paused before I risked myself more than I had in a long time. Turning to Buck I admitted, "I want to believe you Buck. For whatever reason a part of me wants to trust you, I'm just now sure I remember how."

Walking into the bunkhouse I saw a concerned looking Teaspoon sitting at the table. Rachel was sitting next to him and I knew she had talked to him, as had Buck. Spoony and I stared at each other for a minute as I heard Buck close the door.

Softly Buck began, "Josie, if you want me to leave…"

"No Buck you can stay. If you're determined to follow through then you need to hear what I'm going to say. Besides you already know, you've already seen."

Teaspoon raised an eyebrow and I realized that Buck hadn't told him everything. Stepping towards my grandfather I decided that if Buck didn't fill him in on the full details of last night then I wouldn't either.

For whatever reason, I was unwilling to discuss the emotional conversation in the barn the night before. Something about it was too personal. It was something I wanted to hold close to me. A nagging thought in the back of my head told me it wasn't just because I hated to share my private pain. It was because I felt a connection that I didn't want to share because I wanted it all to myself. I wanted it to be special. I wanted to believe him. I didn't want Teaspoon to tell me I was wrong about trusting him. I wanted a knight in shining armor. Rather my heart wanted it, my mind knew better.

Forcing my thoughts away from him I turned mind instead to what I knew I had to do. I had to share my pain and my shame to Teaspoon. Shame that I had let things get to this point, that I wasn't strong until it came to saving my life. My conscious went further and said I was strong enough in time to save my life but not….

Slowly removing my high collared coat I whispered, "This is what I'm talking about."

Rachel's lower cut top didn't hide what my shirt had. My collar had gone to my chin and concealed Carter's hand prints. The evidence that he strangled me, it hid what I wanted to forget.

"Damn…", Teaspoon drawled out softly. Looking weary he asked a question I think he knew the answer to, but hoped to be wrong about. Gently he inquired, "Is there more Josephine?"

Unbuttoning the top couple buttons of Rachel's shirt I let Teaspoon see the upper part of my breasts. It showed the black and blue, the bite marks. Evidence of Carters savagery was plainly evident. Carter didn't just hit me, he beat me. Yet, I was still the lucky one.

Again Teaspoon said, "Damn."

As I re-buttoned my top I said, "There's more of the same. I'd rather not show you, but I think you get the idea. He only hits in places that you can cover. He won't hit my face or injure my hands because someone might see. Shirts and skirts cover the rest, so that area is fair game. He has a reputation and image to maintain. So he only does what he can hide. Except when Carter decides he needs to teach someone a lesson. In those cases he doesn't have to worry about leaving marks people can see. Because there are no survivors, that way even if someone suspects him there's no evidence. He doesn't like to leave witnesses."

"Why did he do this?", Buck asked seemingly unable to truly understand this kind of cruelty.

"People like that don't need no reason", was Teaspoon's answer.

"By now he knows the truth, that I'm a liability. He'll be coming for me. What measure of safety I had with him is gone."

"Measure of safety? This is safe?", came Buck's incredulous response.

Looking at Rachel's confused expression I explained to them, "I was to be his bride. Therefore he wouldn't kill me or beat me as bad. This was just to remind me of my place, to stay inline. Now that I've run from him he'll consider me a liability he can't control. He won't allow that. He eliminates liabilities."

"Why are you a liability?", Teaspoon pursued with and even gentle tone. I think he was afraid of showing emotion because I might clam up, to shut down. He was probably right.

"Because I'm a witness."

Before I could continue there was a loud clanging outside and the sound of many hoof beats. The riders were riding their horses hard and fast. Startled and immediately scared I jumped at the same time turning to the door. Fear overrode common sense. I kept expecting Carter to come through at any moment.

"It's ok Josephine", came Teaspoon's reassuring voice as he went to the door. Still I saw his hand was near his gun.

I felt Buck's hand on mine. I hadn't realized it but in my panic I had grabbed his arm. That was extremely out of character for me. Instead of going for my gun, I went for Buck's arm. What was wrong with me? Buck removed my hand from his arm and gently nudged me behind him. I saw that his left hand was on his gun as he held mine with his right.

Teaspoon peaked out the curtain and I saw him visibly relax. Turning to me I saw him arch an eyebrow as he looked down to my hand which was still held by Buck's. When Teaspoon looked up to Buck I felt my hand quickly released. However he didn't move from my side. Looking up to my eyes the old man said, "It's Jimmy, Kid, and Cody."

"They were riding pretty hard Teaspoon," Buck responded the concern in his eyes and voice.

"Let's go see what's going on. Rachel get Josie somethin' to eat", Teaspoons voice was gentle but I could hear the strain. Looking at me he continued, "We'll continue this talk when I get back."

Teaspoon was heading out the door as Buck turned to me, "Eat something Josie. You need to build up your strength again."

I didn't think I could eat as my stomach was already too full. My heart had dropped to it when I heard the horses. I stood there looking at Buck and out the door too tense to move. Buck shut it softly and walked back over to me. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Rachel look at us and then hurry to the stove turning her back to us.

Buck came to a stop just inches from me. I stared at the pouch around his neck and wondered about it. Even though my mother was half Lakota I knew little of that part of me. Of course I knew little of my white ancestry either.

"Josie."

It was said softly and gently. The way it was said relaxed me some. He was calm and that is what I needed right now. Looking up I saw those intense brown eyes watching me. Those eyes of his seemed to look into my soul, they seemed to see things others didn't. He was far more aware than my father or even the other card players and schemers I grew up around.

"You can relax. I won't go anywhere that would take the door out of my sight."

Those two simple sentences took the edge off my fear. I felt my muscles relax. I was tired, physically and emotionally. I had looked away when he spoke, but he made no effort to move. It seemed like an eternity had passed, but couldn't have been more than a minute. Realizing he wanted some kind of acknowledgment I nodded my head. When I did he shifted his weight but still did not move. Raising my eyes to his I nodded my head again and gave him a weak smile. It seemed to be the acknowledgement he needed as he nodded back and turned to walk out the door.


	5. Chapter 5

Watching the door close I remembered Rachel was in the room. Suddenly I was curious about her. No, to be more accurate I wanted a distraction.

Moving over to the table I sat near the stove in the seat she motioned to. She wasn't like other housewives I had seen. Of course looking at the environment she was in, it wasn't like most homes either. Though I'm not sure I knew what a real home was like; I spent most of my life living in hotel rooms. There was that small house we lived in prior to momma's death and that last house. While it was a beautiful large two story house, it was hardly a home. In many ways it was like the Carter. To everyone else it looked rich, warm, and inviting, but inside it was cold and empty.

Glancing up at Rachel as she was handing me some oatmeal I caught her giving me curious glances.

"You have questions for me don't you?", I said deciding to get straight to the point.

"Buck mentioned that you spoke. When did you two get a chance to speak?", Rachel seemed cautious in her questioning.

"Last night in the barn when I tried to saddle my horse to leave", a bit of a smile came to my face as I admitted that. Rachel had raised an eyebrow at me. I got the feeling she expected me to deny what I had done.

"You're very to the point aren't you?", Rachel asked in a way that made me think she didn't consider it a flaw.

"When the situation calls for it", I cautiously began but added "and circumstances allow."

"You're not quite what I expected Josie", Rachel admitted. Smiling she continued, "You remind me a bit of myself. Both of us are fighters and survivors, having to learn to survive in a man's world. Saloon life and a gambler's life aren't easy, especially not for a young girl."

"You sound like you know it well Rachel."

"Yes, I do but I'll save those stories for another time. Truth is Josie, none of the riders here really had the most conventional lives growing up." Smiling she continued, "I think that's why we accept each other and make such a good family. I'm not sure you'd find a tighter knit group of misfits anywhere."

When I looked down at the bowl in front of me she changed the subject, "Do you want to talk about it?"

"What my childhood or Carter?"

"Either."

"Not really." Pausing for a second I then explained, "There's not really much to say about my childhood. When momma died we moved around following the games. We lived for a short spell with his father, but that was a disaster. For a little while I lived with my friend Nebraska's family and for part of the last year we had lived in a house my father won in a card game. That's where I was living when he brought Carter into our home."

I had heard the door open softly, but didn't pause in my conversation nor turn to the door. I knew who was standing there. Jimmy and Cody came pushing their way through.

"Rachel I'm starved. Tell me you have more than that mush you're feeding Josie", Cody said patting his stomach. Even from several feet away I could hear his stomach growling.

"Find a seat boys I have plenty. Let me fix you up a plate." Turning back to the stove Rachel grabbed some plates and inquired, "Where's Kid?"

"He'll be here in a minute", Jimmy answered sitting across from me.

Cody began to sit down next to me when I automatically flinched. I hadn't meant to do it or even thought about it. No one said a thing but they all got silent. Cody never lost his smile as he slid down the table away from me.

"I'm sorry Cody. I didn't mean to do that. Please don't take it personally", I apologized.

"Ahh don't worry about him", Jimmy replied flashing me a grin. His seductive rich voice, beautiful greenish brown eyes, and impish smile put at me at ease. It also left me wondering what he was going to say next. He didn't disappoint me when he continued, "He's used to girls flinching in horror when he gets near them."

"Ha-ha", was Cody's only reply before he began shoveling the food from the plate Rachel had just given him into his mouth. The man ate like he was starving and this was his last meal. Apparently not having much for table manners Cody said with food still in his mouth, "Mmmm… delicious as always Rachel."

Teaspoon, Buck, and Kid entered while he was speaking. Passing behind me I heard Spoony admonish, "What did I tell you about your swinish habits? We have company."

"Ah Teaspoon," Cody briefly interrupted his meal to say, "She ain't company. She's family."

As Buck sat down next to me I smiled a bit I shook my head ruefully at Cody's impish grin. Despite everything Cody was a bit of a charmer. Those pretty blue eyes and that grin caught your attention. He looked like an angel, but had a bit of the devil in him. Just enough to make him attractive, but not enough to make him a monster like Carter. He seemed to have a good heart though, like the rest of the riders.

"You cold Josie? We could put more wood on the fire", Cody offered. I wasn't sure why Cody was asking until I realized I was still wearing my coat. I had forgotten the shirt I was wearing didn't conceal the bruises. I had almost forgotten I had bruises. Quickly I grabbed at my coat to pull it together to hide the bruises. However by the look on Jimmy and Kid's faces I hadn't been fast enough.

"I don't think that's why she's wearing it Cody", Kid, who had sat across from me next to Jimmy, answered. He was looking at me intently. Kid seemed to be perceptive and intelligent. I respected that. However there was also a calm and gentleness about him. He didn't have the 'loud' presence that Jimmy and Cody did. They walked into a room and were hard to miss or dismiss. Even Noah was to some extent like that. Of course a free black man was hard to miss anywhere. Idly I though under different circumstances Kid seemed like the kind of guy most girls would want to marry. Though I was pretty sure there was something between Lou and Kid from the way they sat together and looked at each other.

"Josie?"

I heard the questioning in Buck's voice. I knew he wanted me to tell everyone. Looking to my grandfather I stared at blue eyes just as intense but a different shade than my own. He looked at me a minute before opening his mouth, "No one is gonna force you to do something you don't want to. They want to help you too. We all do, but ya gotta tell us what we're up against."

Hesitating a minute I then began, "His name is Jonathon Carter and he's about 23. He grew up poor as a church mouse and never seemed to get over that. He fancies himself a business man and a card shark. In reality he's a liar, cheat, back stabbing, spineless, arrogant, selfish, vile piece of filth."

"Don't hold back Josie. Tell us how you really feel", Jimmy said a hint of a smile as he looked me in the eyes. This one was a charmer. With a few words or a look he could disarm me. It didn't take much for me to realize he was nothing like the stories told about him. He was the kind of guy it would be easy to lose your heart to, but challenging to get to know him enough to truly fall in love with. He seemed even less inclined than me to open up and share himself. In some ways he seemed like a kindred spirit, but a bit more troubled than me.

"How did you meet?", as Buck asked that question I suddenly became acutely aware of his presence. It was something I had been trying to ignore. Being around him was like sitting in front of a roaring fire after a good meal on a cold winter's night. It weakened you and disarmed you to the point you were comfortable and could relax. That was something I couldn't allow to happen. Experience taught me that was dangerous.

Taking a deep breath I thought back, "I've known him on and off since we were children. We were never friends. There was something about him that bothered me. Since I rarely had to spend time with him I didn't put much thought into it. That changed about nine or ten months ago. My father had recently come into some money and a house after a high stakes poker game. It was one of the grander houses in the city. It was the kind of house my father had grown up in. I guess in a way it reminded him of good times and of his mother. He couldn't afford it, but couldn't bear to part with it. By this time in addition to gambling he was investing money in different, I guess you could say, 'business opportunities'. Carter was his new partner on a deal. Both of them were putting in a great deal of money into this venture. Carter had actually sold the smaller house he was living in because they needed the money. He then came to stay with us. It was only supposed to be for a week or two until he found a place to stay. He never left. "

I knew my explanation was getting long, but I think I was stalling. I didn't want to get into what I had seen. Again I was all too aware of Buck's nearness. I wasn't sure what was more dangerous, Buck's presence or the truth. Why was his presence enough to make me feel this off kilter? Taking a deep breath I decided the truth was less dangerous because that was something I could at least control.

So choosing my words carefully I went on, "Bit by bit he took over the household and my life. My father was gone a lot, usually to get his hands on some money either through card games or by wooing investors. The investors were usually rich older widows. My father was good at it. Carter not so much, he wasn't as charming as he thought. So while my father was gone he put Carter in charge of the business and me. Then one day when my father was home I was late to breakfast. When I got to the table Carter told me that when I was his wife he wouldn't allow that. I thought he had gone crazy. That's when my father announced that he had given Carter his blessing on our marriage. I was about to object when my father stood up and began walking out. He said he had to hurry as he needed to make the stage. I don't know if that was true or if the bastard just ran out on me. What I do know is that as soon as my father left Carter grabbed my arm tightly. He told me he wouldn't allow insolence or arguments. The decision was made. I was going to be his wife. That's when it started."

"It was little things at first", I continued staring at the table top unwilling to look at anyone. "Grab my arm here and there, a shove, or a pinch. He was good at making it seem like it was my fault. I was almost starting to believe him. He would have bursts of anger, but it usually wasn't directed at me. It would be the staff, a hack driver, a business employee, etc. Household staff seemed to take the brunt of it. We didn't tend to keep them long, especially females. Again he would spin it to make them look bad. He was good at that, almost an expert. He was very good at maintaining his image. Image is everything to Carter."

"That's why when things didn't go his way he got angry. It was always in private", I wasn't sure I could tell the whole story. How could I? A part of me clung to the idea that if I didn't tell them the full story it wouldn't be true, like it wasn't real. Clinging to that thought I decided I wouldn't tell them anymore than I had to. They knew enough to know what kind of guy to be prepared for. They didn't need to know what I saw, what I couldn't stop. They didn't need to know my shame. Besides what would they think? Why would they want to help me if I told them the full truth? If they knew what would they do with the information? The only person I can trust is myself and even that is dangerous. I learned the hard way to never put my trust in anyone. More importantly I learned to never let them put their trust in me. So instead I decided to give them part of the truth, "I wasn't supposed to be there that night."

"He heard me when he was in the midst of it. There was a… …Carter, always takes what he wants. He always wins. Rules and laws don't apply to him. There are no limitations to what he will do, especially if he wants to teach someone a lesson. When he realized I was there he was in a rage. He had me down before I could even react. He hit me several times and I fought back. That is when he gave me these", my voice fell to a whisper as I let my jacket lower some. Moving my hair I revealed the hand prints on my neck. Several audible gasps mixed with Jimmy's curse words, his disdain evident. Quickly I pulled the jacket back up and closed before continuing, "By the time he stopped I was gasping for breath barely able to keep my eyes open. He insisted I did. He was going to show me what I would get if I ever disobeyed him again. I knew things I wasn't supposed to know. His eyes were almost empty, devoid of anything I would call human emotion when he informed me we were going to be married the next day. I would be his property. I was going to be the obedient wife. I needed to learn my place. It was to start giving him children right away, that's all I was good for."

"I was barely able walk away that evening…. I….", my voice broke and I felt Buck's hand move next to mine. When I didn't pull away he slowly and gently placed it on mine. That served as a connection to me. It brought me back to this place and out of the vivid images of that night. Intently staring at a knot in the board of the wooden table I finished, "He was irate. I was not supposed to come home. What had I been doing there? How dare I disobey him? He didn't want to hurt me, but it was my fault. I shouldn't have been there. He had to teach me a lesson. He couldn't kill me though I was to be his wife. He had already told others of our impending marriage. Others had said I would never marry him. I was too smart and strong for him. I was too good for him. He had to show them they were wrong he was smarter and stronger than me. How dare the others think him unworthy? He had to prove them wrong. Besides he had always wanted me, I was destined to be his. I was almost beautiful enough to be worthy of him and would give him beautiful children. When I thought of having his child; of exposing any child do him I became disgusted. I made the mistake of verbalizing that. I had never seen him or anyone else that angry ever."

Pausing for a second I thought about what I left out. What I wanted to forget and was trying to forget. So I curtailed the explanation even more, "As for how I got away I explained that to you last night. My father's man, who had been following him around for years, and been in the families' service since the Gambler's childhood, helped me escape. He told me where he thought Spoony was. So I rode straight here fast as I could."

"Are you sure he'll come after you?" Lou asked concern and kindness on her face.

"He'll come after her", Teaspoon said sadly. "Guy like that always do. I've seen his kind before."

"So have I", Rachel began sadness in her eyes. Smiling she reached across the table and squeezed my free hand, "It's a matter of ego. She left without his permission. He's controlling. By her getting away from him she got the better of him. When other folks find out it will embarrass him. He views her as his property, she belongs to him. He made it clear when he told her he won't allow insolence. He'll want to punish her for this."

"I can't stay here Spoony. I'll just put you all in danger."

"Now Josie, we talked about this last night", my grandfather began.

"You have no idea what he's capable of", my voice getting desperate as I interrupted.

Kid's soft voice caught me off guard when he said, "Those aren't the only bruises you have, are they Josie?"

Briefly my eyes met Kid's but I couldn't match the stare. Looking at the table again I shook my head no.

Jimmy's voice had gone cold when he said, "That's not all he's capable of is it?"

Still unable to look any of them in the eyes I shook my head no. I shouldn't be telling this, it was too much. No matter how much I had already told them, there was no way I could tell them the truth. This was getting to be too much, panic was setting hold. I couldn't stop the images of that night. Screams, I could hear the screams, the pleading and crying. I heard and saw it all again.

Pulling my hand from Buck's I had turned and was off the bench before anyone realized what I was doing. Bolting for the door I had to get out of there. I couldn't breathe. The walls were closing in on me. I was panicking. I knew it, but couldn't seem to stop myself.

I felt rather saw Cody reach for me. When I felt his hand on my arm I heard a scream. Then I realized it was my own. This was too much. I could feel Carter's hands on me again. I could see the look in his eyes. I could see what he did. Trembling I could feel Carter right behind. No, this isn't right. That wasn't him that grabbed me, it was Cody. I'm not there. I'm in Rock Creek. Still the images from that night were flashing in my brain. I couldn't shut them off. I could remember the feel of Carter's hands. How the blows to my stomach knocked the wind out of me. I remembered the pain. I remembered her…

I heard voices and I swore someone told Cody to let go of my arm. The voices blended and I wasn't sure whose it was. Already I was pushing myself out the door. I just had to get away. Then I heard Buck's voice telling the others to let him go after me.

Running into the barn I came to a stop near my horse. Leaning on the railing I tried to regain control of myself. I was so embarrassed and in such a panic. How could I let them see this weakness? Being weak gave others something to exploit. Being vulnerable gave others a weapon to use against you. I couldn't afford to do that. I was weak enough right now. Heaven help me. What was I doing?

Buck's movement was so quiet I hadn't heard it. Though it may have been because of the blood pounding in my ears, still I somehow knew he was in there with me.

"Josie?"

"I don't want to remember Buck. I don't want to talk about it anymore", sitting on a hay bale I closed my eyes willing the tears to stop. Never let anyone see you cry my father told me. It's a sign of weakness. Never reveal your hand or your weaknesses. People will only use that information against you. Taking a deep breath the words seemed to tumble out, "I just want to forget. I just wish God, the Spirits, or whatever higher power there may be would undo what happened that night. How can I believe in a higher power if they let such bad things happen? There is too much….pain, pain I can't escape. I feel hollow inside. How can life, fate, destiny, or whatever you want to call it...How can it be so cruel? How do you stop the pain? If you can't stop it, then how do you go on?"

"Josie, I wish I had an answer to that. I've been asking myself the same questions. Truth is I don't have an answer and I'm not sure there is one. If there is I wish someone would share it with me. They keep telling me it will get better with time, but I don't know if that's true", Buck's voice was heavy. I knew his grief for his friend ran deep. His grief mirrored my own though he didn't know that. No one knew what I knew.

"What I do know is that there are people who want to help you. If you'll let only let them help. We both know you're not strong enough to do this on your own right now", Buck's voice was matter of fact. Softly I felt him move closer to me. Continuing, "I know you're a strong person Josie. The fact that you survived what you did and made it here proves that. However, even strong people sometimes need to lean on others."

"Do you?", I asked turning the question back to him. I felt rather than heard Buck pause. Turning to face him I pushed, "Do you let others help you with your pain and grief? Or do you hold it in and let it eat at you?"

"That's not what we're discussing Josie", was Buck's somewhat defensive response.

A part of me wanted to push him to call him out like he was me. He was doing the same thing he was accusing me of. He wasn't letting his friends help him with his grief and it was eating at him. Heck even I saw it and I was a stranger. I knew while our circumstances were wildly different but our pain wasn't. Grief was grief, no matter how you looked at it. The pain of loss could hurt just as badly no matter what the circumstances. Whether you lose a friend or yourself, the pain is just as legitimate.

"Isn't it?" I pushed again. My mind was a flood of thoughts, like a raging river. I couldn't slow them down. My voice was soft but strained as I almost begged, "You've already lost one friend Buck. I can't be responsible for you losing more. You know what guys like him will do to women like Lou and Rachel. Carter is the kind of guy to go after the ones he consider the weakest. He'll use others to hurt you. Given the chance he'd shoot a man in the back. He has no conscious, no sense of right or wrong. He is evil and my father handed me over to him."

Unable to control the anger inside me I lashed out at Buck. I lashed out at him the way I couldn't at Carter or my father. Buck became the focus of my rage, all because I knew he wouldn't harm me. Despite that knowledge I couldn't stop myself. The emotions, fear, pain and anger let loose. Like a breaking dam on a raging flooded river. All of that pent up anger had to be directed somewhere. Buck was the target. If only he hadn't followed me out now or last night.

"I see your pain. I've heard about the loss of your friend. And I grieve for your loss as strongly as I do mine. But don't you dare sit here and tell me I should accept help when you don't. You give advice that you won't follow. Don't tell me you're going to follow me when I leave. Don't make me your cause, you're damsel in distress to save just avoid dealing with your own grief", the anger and rage clear in my voice. My throat was pained from the bruises and strained from my screaming. I was out of control and I couldn't seem to stop myself. Tired and weak I was unable to hold it in. I wasn't sure how much more my body could take. Deep inside me it felt like this meltdown it would destroy me if I didn't stop. A part of me wasn't sure I wanted to.

Buck walked up to me and I pounded my fists against his chest. Screaming, "How dare you try to put this on me! I can't be responsible for you losing another friend. I can't be responsible for Teaspoon losing you or any of the riders. What gives you the right to force me to accept your help when it'll only get someone killed! I can't be responsible for that! I can't handle that burden again!"

Softly, due in part to my strained throat and in part to having unleashed the end of my rage I whispered, "I'm broke, you can't fix me. No one can. Let me go. Quit trying to make me believe that it will be all right, that things will get better. I can't bear the burden of someone else dying because of me. My baby brother, my mother, her friend Hunter, my…. I can't bear to go through what I did again. I'm not strong enough. I'm broken. There's no fixing me. I came to Rock Creek without thinking. I shouldn't have. Let me go so that I can save all of you."

Tears were pouring down my face. I was breaking all of the Gambler's rules. My weakness and vulnerability was plain for Buck and the other to see. I was broken and now they'd all realize that. I wasn't strong. Carter had broken me. Now that I've treated Buck the way I did and they've seen the part of me I have kept hidden for so long they wouldn't want to be around me. How could they when my own father couldn't stand to be?

Buck's arms were around me and he was all but holding me up. Too weak I was unable to push away. Munching away the horses seemed unimpressed by my breakdown. Tired I was unable to think clearly or understand what was being said to me.

Slowly Buck turned me to the barn door. Seeing Teaspoon flanked by Jimmy, Cody, and Kid my heart fell. They had heard my tirade. And why wouldn't they? Screaming loudly I had drawn more attention to myself than I should have. Such carelessness would guarantee Carter would find me quickly.

My grandfather's eyes clearly showed his pain. Pain I shouldn't have caused him, pain I cause everyone. Other than my horse pain was the only real companion I had. Exhaustion clearly was taking its toll on me. My barriers were gone and I felt exposed. Letting myself become vulnerable I broke another of the Gambler's rules.

Looking past my grandfather I saw something that shook me to the core. My knees were collapsing below me and blackness was clouding my vision. Yet I was sure I saw…


	6. Chapter 6

Almost painfully I tried to rub the sleep out of my eyes. It was nighttime and I was lying in the bed again. Obviously I had passed out, but I didn't know just how long I had been out. A nagging thought that there was something I should remember rumbled through my brain. Pain did nothing to help the fog in my head. Slowly sitting up I wrapped first a robe and then a shawl sitting on the chair around me. Cool night air generally cleared my head and helped with my headaches.

On the floor near the chair was a pair of Indian moccasins in addition to my boots. These are something I would be able to slip on by myself. I was loathe to accept any help, a gift, or borrow anything from anyone. Especially in light of the way I acted, but beggars can't be choosers. I could deal with that personal dilemma later, after I cleared my head.

Standing up gingerly I walked out my bedroom and was surprised by what I saw. Lying on the couch was Buck. What was he doing there? Making sure I was safe? Or that I didn't run off? Perhaps he had a few choice words and didn't want to miss the chance to share them with me. Not that Buck seemed like that type of man, but I wouldn't' blame him if he did.

It was a warm fall evening, but I wasn't sure how long this streak would last. Really I should get on the road while the weather was still warm, but where would I go? Buck had been right. It really is dangerous for a woman alone, much less with Carter after her. Where would I go?

Leaning against the door frame I thought about the options for women. There were none. None that I wanted to do at least. If you were really lucky you may find a job cooking or cleaning. Those positions few and far between though. Generally those jobs were done by older women, ugly women, black women, etc. Basically it was done by any woman they couldn't make money whoring out. For a girl my age the option was have a husband or be a saloon girl. Neither option really appealed to me but what could I do?

Lie on your back and let a man do what he wanted for a roof over your head, food, and maybe a little money? Then again what was the difference between marriage to a man you didn't love and prostitution? Either way you gave men what they wanted in exchange for food, shelter, and maybe a little money to buy the necessities. Men would use you, that's what they did. That's what my father did and Carter too. Still, not all men were like that were they? Look at Nebraska's father, Victor. He seemed good to his wife and children. They seemed to care for him. Though I had to wonder how good of a man he could be if he was friends with my father and had business dealing with Carter. Even if he was a good man, in the end it hadn't done him any good. Carter had made him pay. Carter had…..

Where did Teaspoon, Buck, and the others fit in my view of men? Could I put them in the same category as Carter? I didn't think so. Seeing the trust in Lou and Rachel's eyes and their demeanor I had a hard time believing the guys were the same. Yet I had never seen anything different than my father or Carter in all of my life. All the men, and most of the women, had been consistent. Consistent in the fact that they disappointed me and let me down. I wanted someone to believe good existed. Perhaps the problem wasn't them but it was me?

All at once I realized I was being watched. Most likely had been from the moment I opened my door. Though he kept very still, I could feel Buck's eyes on me all the same. Pulling myself from where my thoughts had been going I realized a few things. Despite what I thought I didn't have all the answers. In the matter of a day Teaspoon and his riders had shaken up my beliefs. Here I was a virtual stranger and they were willing to risk their lives for me. I also realized I had to stop feeling sorry for myself, letting my pain rule me. I had to take control of the pain inside me and my future. I knew it wasn't going to be easy.

I wanted to start by apologizing to Buck. Yet how could I? I couldn't take back the mean things I said. There was no undoing the fact that I unleashed my anger on an innocent man.

Softly I whispered unsure where to begin, "Buck, I…."

"You don't need to apologize Josie. I understand that when you're hurting you want someone to lash out at. I felt the same way when Ike died", Buck's voice was almost as soft as mine as he sat up. Buck leaned forward covering his face with his hands before he ran them through his dark hair. "I wanted someone to blame. I was mad at the man who shot him, at Emily who he died protecting, and at Ike. I was even mad at Teaspoon and myself. I was mad at the world, but none of that brought Ike back. It didn't stop the pain."

Bucks sad brown eyes looked up to mine. Every time I looked in the mirror, I saw the same pain and grief in my eyes. Patiently I waited for him to continue, "Maybe you're right, I have been bottling it in. I know my friends want to help, but I don't know how they can. I don't know what to do with it myself. My grief for Ike is something I can't escape, I know that. They tell me the pain will get better with time, but it hasn't. I'm struggling with how to deal with that. What I do know is that I, no we, can help you. I don't have an ulterior motive for wanting to help you. Even if Ike was still alive or if you weren't Teaspoon's granddaughter we would still help you. No one, especially a woman, should be treated like you have."

His eyes locked on mine as he continued, "I also know you're in pain, not just physical. You needed to vent, I understand that."

"You feel hollow inside, like a part of you is missing," I suddenly interrupted him. He looked at me kind of surprised as I continued, "The part of you that would be strong when you weren't. Like your missing your safety net, the part of you that would always listen, make you feel loved and valuable. The one thing you could really rely on. You never expect it to be gone and then it's suddenly yanked away from you. And all you are left with is a hole that you don't know how to fill."

"How do know exactly how I'm feeling?", Buck paused. I saw the hesitation and waited for what I knew was coming, "In the barn you said something about how you grieved for my pain as much as you did your own. What you just described to me… In the barn you weren't talking about your mother were you?"

Shaking my head no I was unable to find the words. Desperately I wanted to be anywhere but here right now. He was too astute. Picking up on what I didn't say Buck read between the lines. My eyes moved to the floor as I felt my heart begin to race. Pounding so loud in my ears it sounded like the hoof beats of a galloping horse. So loud, it was so loud I was sure he could hear it.

Buckling beneath me, my knees betrayed me as I began to slide down the door jam. Once again my anxiety was overwhelming me, as was my grief. Gently placing his arms around my waist Buck kept me from falling to the floor.

Despite my feeble protest Buck picked me up and carried me to my bed. Concern in his voice he pointed out the obvious as he set me down, "You're exhausted Josie, both mentally and physically. Quit fighting us, save your energy. You can be strong and independent later. We're going to help you whether you want us to or not. We can't walk away from someone in trouble. If you want to be mad at us for it, then do it later when you're stronger."

Moonlight cast through the window illuminating Buck's face. Enhancing his already handsome features it almost took my breath away. Twinkling, his eyes lit up his face as his smile grew, "Besides we have to help you. We can't let anything happen to the prettiest member of Teaspoon's family."

"That's not much of a compliment. There's only the two of us Buck."

"I know", he laughed.

For the first time in a long time I found myself smiling, truly smiling. It wasn't faked. It wasn't forced. It gave me hope, so I found myself trying. Trying to talk to him, I knew I was trying trust him. It occurred to me that on some level I really wanted a reason to have hope. His smile seemed to spread across and light up his entire face. I couldn't help but smile back.

Ruefully I realized if I wasn't careful those soulful puppy dog eyes and kissable lips would be able to influence me into just about anything. Whether it is staying here, trusting him, or just having faith in something. I wasn't sure I could resist and I wasn't sure I wanted to. The longer I stayed here the weaker I got.

It was more than just his looks that drew me to him. His faith and beliefs seemed to be such a part of him. The conviction to which he seemed to hold onto those beliefs intrigued and impressed me. Not only did he say he was willing to help, but he really put himself out there. He wasn't just saying it he was insisting on it. I kept giving him an easy out. He kept refusing to take it.

Putting a piece of myself out there I took the risk and began, "A part of me wants to answer the question you asked Buck. I'm just not sure I'm ready."

Giving me an understanding look Buck nodded to me.

Turning back to him I couldn't meet his eyes and instead stared at his mouth. That was a HUGE mistake. Though it was dangerous I found myself wondering what it would be like to kiss those lips. Glancing up to his eyes I saw the strange look he was giving me. What was I thinking? I was a freak, black and blue. I was disgusting. Tainted from Carter's words and touch, no decent man would ever want me. The way Buck continued to look at me made me afraid. Afraid he would somehow realize what I was thinking. Afraid he would walk, no run, away. Desperate to turn my thoughts I said, "I do have a question for you though."

"You can ask always ask me anything you want Josie. I can't promise to always answer but I'll never lie to you."

"Fair enough", I began. Haltingly I continued half amused and half scared, "So what finds you in my bedroom at this time of night?"

Laughing a deep rich laugh, Buck smiled at me. Still I saw the hesitation in his eyes.

"Did it have something to do with the reason Jimmy and the others rode in hard earlier?", my voice somewhat cracking as I was afraid of the answer.

"Yes." Cautiously placing his hand on mine Buck paused before continuing, "Jimmy and the others rode to Hollenberg Ranch. East of here it's the closest Pony Express station to Rock Creek. Some men had gone through looking for a woman on a white horse. One of the men asking questions matched Carter's description. He was described as early twenties, arrogant, rude, and threatening. They said the woman was probably traveling with two black men. That means Carter assumed your father's men went with you. So they're safe Josie. That's one bit of good news."

Fear sent a cold shiver down my spine. Again a thought nagged at me. There's something I'm forgetting. Was it something I said? Or heard? Or saw? My memories of most of today were so foggy. A voice whispered in the back of my head that it was important.

"Josie? You're awfully quiet."

"Buck did something happen before I passed out?"

Looking very uncomfortable Buck avoided my question by asking his own, "You don't remember anything before you passed out?"

Curious about his look and tone I answered, "Not entirely. A lot of it is foggy, but… I think I remember seeing someone before I passed out."

Silent again Buck looked uncomfortable. So I pursued, "What happened? Did I see someone?"

"I told you I'd answer if I could Josie, but I can't answer your questions. Teaspoon's orders, I gave him my word. I can't break it."

Feeling a bit panicked I pushed despite his comment, "You didn't answer my question Buck. If it was Carter who asked about me at that station and your friends got back by the afternoon, he had to have been here already."

"No. Jimmy and the others know the land better. They know the shortcuts. They'd get here faster."

I didn't believe him and I'm sure my face and body postured betrayed that. Seemingly responding to my unspoken accusation he went on, "Josie I told you I'd answer if I could. I can't. However I also said that I'd never lie to you. You have nothing to worry about. There are plenty of people who want to protect you."

Trying to stand up I was a bit wobbly as I mumbled, "If he was at that station then he has to be close. That is if he isn't here already. I have to leave Rock Creek. He'll have hired men with him. You'll all be in danger."

"Teaspoon's taken precautions Josie; he's determined to protect you. Pulling in a few favors as Territorial Marshall and from old friends, he's gotten additional help. He's deputized additional men from town. The boys and I are watching the house and bunkhouse. The others will be a welcoming committee for Carter. They're all prepared." Gently pushing me so I'd sit back down he smiled as he added, "It's not the first time we've been through this kind of thing. We seem to have a habit of saving damsels in distress."

Remembering what I accused him of in the barn he turned my words back on me. I couldn't help but admire that. Looking into his eyes I could see he had questions for me. He had opened up about Ike and told me, a virtual stranger, more than he had to. I owed him the same respect, especially since he was risking his life for me.

"Buck you told me I could ask questions, but you couldn't promise to always answer. I can see you have questions for me. I can't promise to answer either, but like you I won't lie."

Nodding his acceptance he began, "In the barn you said something about bearing the burden of someone else dying because of you. Then you mentioned your baby brother, your mother, and Hunter. I'm a little confused about that. I though you said your mother died of fever when she was carrying. Why would you feel responsible for that?"

Sliding backwards across the bed I put my back to the wall. Crossing my legs beneath me I sat in the same pose I often saw my half-blood mother in. Every morning she sat that way as she prayed to her Spirits. Giving his question some thought I decided this question was less dangerous. It was okay to answer. Buck slid back next to me as the clock chimed in the living room. Counting the strikes I knew it was midnight. Seeing he was in no hurry to leave and go to sleep I told my story, "My momma was seven months along when a fever of some sort was spreading through the city. I don't know if it was Scarlet fever or something else. She kept us isolated to protect us. I was nine almost ten and hated being cooped up. I've always loved being outside and the spring sun's rays shone so brightly through our windows. It was warm for spring. As a kid I wanted to be outside. I wanted to play with my friend I watched through the window. I was so jealous of her. So while my mother was napping I snuck outside. I played with the neighbor girl and her brother. What I didn't realize is that the fever had hit their family. Their mother lay sick inside so they were left to their own devices. I don't know if there father was working or drunk somewhere. Looking back I can see now that they were getting sick too. I had to have noticed the symptoms. How could I not? However wanting so badly to play I probably ignored it. Because of that I spread the fever to momma. I became sick too, but she was so far along her body had a hard time fighting it."

Pausing I scrunched my eyes shut trying to block the images. Images I could never forget. Every night I again saw my momma take her last breath. Pulling myself together I continued, "Momma was so sick her labor started. No one could stop it, but the baby was too early. It was weak like my mother was. He never stood a chance. Momma cried so much. She died shortly after. If I hadn't been selfish and disobeyed, my momma would never have gotten sick. They'd both still be alive."

"Josie, that's not your fault. You can't know that she got the fever from you. Even if had stayed indoors, you don't know that she wouldn't have gotten it anyways", Buck's voice showed his conviction. His eyes searched mine as I heard him say, "You can't blame yourself."

Returning his stare I answered pointedly, "Why not? My father did."

Moving away from him I laid down on my side curled up in a ball. Just like in the barn, I felt the tears start. Struggling I managed to stop them. Normally I wasn't a crier. Actually I didn't cry at all. Showing emotion made you weak and vulnerable. People hurt you when you were vulnerable. Feeling the bed move I knew Buck was standing up. A part of me was glad for the space as I heard him walk into the living room. In the back of my mind there was a small part of me that felt like he was abandoning me too. I didn't understand why.

Silently Buck came back from the living room. Hanging his gun belt from the bed post, I felt him lie down next to me. Pulling me into his arms the heat from his body warmed mine. Strong arms held me tightly to him. With my palm on his chest I could feel the beating of his heart. My face was buried against him as he rubbed his chin against my head. Don't trust him, push away, run, was what my mind said. My heart, the little girl in me, was desperate for someone to hold me. I just wanted someone to lean on for a little bit. I wanted a knight in shining armor. More than that I wanted a friend. I didn't want to be alone anymore.

Something suddenly occurred to me. For the first time since my momma's death I've cried. Tears had not touched my cheeks since the night the Gambler came home. The night he found out momma and his son were dead. I hadn't even cried when my best friend died. Gambler said never show emotion because you can't show weakness. He hadn't cried that night, not that I saw. Yet he was human just like the rest of us. Maybe he never showed his weaknesses because he wouldn't trust anyone. I didn't want to turn out like my father. So I let my tears flow.


	7. Chapter 7

**_AUTHOR'S NOTE: _**_Please feel free to contact me with questions or suggestions. At this point we'll begin to see Josie evolve and come out of her shell more. You'll also learn more of the backstory as to that night and her life. There are a couple of big surprises in store for Josie._

Morning sunshine came through the window as a light rapping brought me from my slumber. The space on the bed next to me was empty. I buried my head under the blanket that Buck must have covered me with. I didn't know how much time I spent crying. How long Buck remained after I fell asleep I couldn't answer either.

Falling asleep in his arms was a stupid thing to do. Closing my eyes I could picture the dead girl my father once made me look at. Murdered, she had died in the same hotel we were staying at. Wanting to teach me an important lesson in a way I'd never forget he made me look. She had trusted a man and fell asleep on the couch while he was sitting with her. Now she lay there dead. Black and bruised, as I now was, her ripped clothing on the floor. She had been a good girl, but she had been foolish. She had been weak in trusting a man. Now she was used and dead. Her mistake cost her everything. My lesson was I should never trust any man, it made you vulnerable. Trusting someone put you at risk.

Now I was confused. I trusted Buck and fell asleep in his arms. Vulnerable, that's how I made myself. Yet he did nothing. He hadn't betrayed my trust in him. However I had trusted my father and he all but handed me to Carter. My father told me I couldn't trust any man. It never occurred to me it meant him too. If I couldn't trust my own father how could I trust anyone else?

The rapping became louder and more insistent. Jimmy's voice had an edge to it as he called my name. Rolling out of bed I responded, "I'm awake now Jimmy. I'll be dressed in a minute."

"I'll be waiting on the porch", came the gruff but obviously relieved response.

Folded neatly, my now clean shirt and skirt sat on the table next to a shawl. Moccasins sat on the floor next to my boots. Cleaned clothes, shoes I could slip on by myself, and a shawl must have been Rachel's doing. It had been so long since someone doted on me. I kind of liked it. Running my brush through my hair I thought about my actions the yesterday. Embarrassing was the word that came to mind at the moment. Priding myself on being strong and independent the weakness I shown yesterday bothered me. You only get one chance to make a first impression. What kind of impression had I made?

Briefly I looked at the fading bruises. Buttoning my high necked collared shirt I realize they didn't upset me as much as they did yesterday. Letting my hair flow free I quickly checked my guns before putting on my coat.

Stopping briefly to make the bed a thought nagged at me again. What had I forgotten? Something told me it was important. As a part of me struggled to remember, it also felt like a part of me struggled to forget. The voice in the back of my head told me not to go there. Don't try to remember. Some things are best left buried.

Now I was sure of it, something had happened right before I passed out in the barn. Try as I might, I couldn't remember what. Was it Carter? It's possible. If the boys had made it back by afternoon and he couldn't have been too far behind. Though that didn't make sense, had it been him the situation would be radically different now.

I suppose Spoony might have asked Buck not to tell me whatever it was to avoid upsetting me. I can still picture the pain etched in my grandfather's face in the barn. He had witnessed my breakdown. I saw his guilt. Guilty about what? Did Spoony feel guilty for taking my father at his word and not looking for me? Maybe because he was not there for me or my mother. Perhaps the guilt was because he was unable to protect me from my childhood. Gambler had lied to us both. Neither of us questioned him. Yet who would've thought that someone who supposedly loved my mother would hurt her father and her child that way?

Stepping out the door I saw Jimmy pull his jacket tighter around him. It seemed as if the warm fall weather had left us. There was frost still visible and the air burned your lungs when you inhaled. I hadn't even noticed the drop in temperature last night. No, I had a warm body next to me, holding me, keeping me safe and warm.

Seeing Jimmy arch an eyebrow at me I realized a blush had probably come to my face. Embarrassed by where my thoughts had been taking me a blush had risen to my cheeks before I could stop it. Speaking quickly to avoid giving Jimmy the chance to ask I inquired, "Where's Spoony?"

"Taking care of some business," Jimmy said shrugging his shoulder towards the bunkhouse. Stepping off the porch he took his hands out of his pocket. Offering an arm to me he explained, "Rachel's waiting breakfast on us."

Hesitating for a minute I debated what to say. Honesty won out, "I don't want to go in there and face anyone."

Seeming to know what I was talking about he eased my embarrassment by laughing, "Ah, don't worry about it. Buck needed to be slapped up a little. No one else will do it. He's too nice. It's not natural, no one is that nice. Now Cody on the other hand…"

"Besides the others have had better blow ups than yours."

Having distracted me he already had me off the porch. Speaking softly while he smiled there was laughter in his tone as he pointed towards the barn. Lou had come out and was heading to the bunkhouse as he explained, "There was the time back in Sweetwater where Kid moved all of Lou's stuff. Moved her stuff out of the bunkhouse 'cause he decided she should live in the main house. All without asking her if she wanted too. Being a bit independent and stubborn she wasn't too pleased. and let Kid know it. Boy can that girl yell. The other guys couldn't wait to tell me about it. Then there was the time I ate the last piece of pie that was supposed to be Cody's."

Grinning he said proudly, "He'd been looking forward to it all day. Knowing that and seeing his hissy fit made it the best piece of pie I've ever had."

Stepping onto the bunkhouse porch I turned to him, "Hissy fit? Really? That's the phrase you chose?"

Giving me that enchanting devilish grin as he opened the door he whispered nonchalantly, "Cody's a bit of a girl. No offense. Can you think of phase that would better fit him?"

As we walked in the door the others heard the end of his sentence. Looking up Cody asked, "What are you two whispering about?"

"You", Jimmy responded laughter in his voice. Sitting down he gave me a slow wink. Cody looked more than a bit disgruntled. Laughing I took the only empty spot at the table. It happened to be next to Cody. At least Jimmy was sitting across from me. He was good for a smile if you felt down.

Rachel set a plate of eggs, ham, and potatoes in front of me. Ham was not a favorite of mine but I'd eat it. What I wouldn't eat were eggs. I really didn't like eggs. I must have wrinkled my nose because Jimmy asked, "What don't you like breakfast? "

Cody piped up, "Don't worry it'll be good. Jimmy didn't cook it."

Looking at Cody I smiled as he added visibly shuddering, "No matter what, don't let him talk you into trying his porridge. Yuck."

Lou giggled as she bowed her head trying to hide her smile. Rachel coughed to cover a laugh as Noah flashed a grin. Sounding a bit disgruntled Jimmy said, "Yeah, well at least someone cooks when Rachel's not here. I don't see you volunteering. If my cooking's so bad then you don't have to eat it, but just remember Rachel will be gone on Saturday."

"I could cook", I volunteered.

"Teaspoon's granddaughter?", Cody asked raising an eyebrow. As the others laughed Cody added, "No offense but I'd rather eat Jimmy's cooking."

"You never know", Jimmy said winking at me. Openly grinning he teased, "I bet she's good at a lot of things. I bet she's can read, play a good game of cards, and kick your ass Cody."

"That last one isn't that impressive. From what I hear some saloon girl in Lowell gave Cody a what-for and chased him out the door", Noah smile was contagious as he laughed at how uncomfortable Cody suddenly became.

Leaning forward Rachel grinned as she said, "Really? I hadn't heard this story. Sounds interesting, I'd love to…."

Cody looked very uncomfortable with a slight blush coming to his face. He couldn't quite look anyone in the eye. Suddenly Cody burst out interrupting Rachel, "Josie, why don't you ever refer to your father by his name?"

I got the feeling he was trying to change the subject. Curious about Cody's being chased out of a brothel I wanted to turn the conversation back when I heard Jimmy say, "I was wondering about the Gambler thing myself."

Shoving my eggs and ham onto Cody's plate I considered how to answer. Beautiful, soulful eyes looked into mine. James Butler Hickok was beautiful. Handsome was a word that didn't seem to do him justice. The look on his face told me he wanted an answer. Why did I call my father 'Gambler' and not by name? I never even called him father to his face, only hey you or Gambler. Once upon a time I had called him father or daddy. My father had been a hero in my eyes. Never again would I be that naive. They had stolen that from me. Memories of the night that changed were still crystal clear to me.

Jimmy alleviated some of the tension building up in my mind and body. Staring into his eyes the corners of his mouth curled up in a half smile. Despite the circumstance, despite everything I couldn't help but notice the man and those lips. Lips some other girl was lucky enough to kiss.

Turning my thoughts away I tried to think of that night. What was wrong with me? Considering the circumstances I was allowing myself to be attracted to Buck and Jimmy? I guess those kinds of thoughts were normal for girls my age. However my circumstances didn't allow me to have that kind of luxury.

At the same time, those feelings allowed me to realize how sheltered I had been. Despite all the traveling and people I had met, I had been sheltered. Gambler kept tight control of me. Perhaps it was his nature or perhaps to keep me hidden from Spoony. Despite all the people who came into our orbit, I was isolated. I was always alone. For the first time I realized how alone and lonely I had been.

Tearing my eyes from Jimmy's I thought of that night to distract myself. The night the man who had helped bring me into this word changed from daddy to Gambler. Immersing myself in the memories of that night I acutely felt the pain. That night had been so painful. It was a different kind of pain than what I felt the night I ran from Carter. While not physical, the emotional and mental pain was almost worse. Still telling them the story couldn't hurt. In order to get over the pain and heal I had to face it. Besides, talking would help keep me distracted from the burgeoning attraction to both Jimmy and Buck. Even more so from the obvious tension in the room, tension no doubt caused by Carter's presence in town or his imminent arrival.

"There was a man, a Lakota, my mother grew up with. His name was Hunting Bear. Like my mother he was a half-breed. They had been friends all of their lives, possibly more. Hunter, as he preferred to be called, left the tribe like my mother. When the Gambler was gone Hunter would come to visit her. Staying for days or longer, I got to know him well", smiling I thought back to the soft spoken man with kind eyes. Standing over six feet tall he was 230 lbs of pure muscle. Solid, he had broad shoulders with hair as black as coal flowing past his shoulders. Dark brown, almost black eyes had looked into mine as he told me stories. Gentle as he was with me it was hard to believe he spent his life tracking outlaws.

Pulling myself back to my explanation my voice wavered a bit, "When my mother died Hunter was there, Gambler wasn't. Hunter had taken my mother and brother to give them a proper Lakota send off. He didn't want my father bury them in the cold ground. Hunter wanted their spirits to be free, buried in the ground they'd never be. Hunter was desperate to get their bodies out of there. A part of me now wonders if the baby was actually his and not the Gamblers. I guess I'll never know."

Running my hands through my hair I nervously twirled on a curl lost in thought. It was quiet in the bunkhouse save for the crackling of the fire and the scrapping of silverware against the plates. Painfully I finished my explanation, "He told me he'd be back for me, that he'd take me to my mother's family. The night Gambler came home was the same night Hunter came back for me. My father was so angry. Angry I suppose because of my mother's death. Though he never came right out and said that. He never really said anything about it. Mostly I think he was angry at Hunter's interference. Angry because my mother didn't get the proper Christian burial he wanted, even though it was against her Indian beliefs."

"The two of them argued. I cried. I wanted to leave with Hunter. Missing my mama I wanted to be with her family. When my father heard me say that he became livid. So angry I was afraid. Never before, or since, have I seen him that angry. His face was red, blotchy, the veins stood out in his neck, and he yelled. Oh how he yelled. Hunter, even when they were arguing, had a calmness that made me feel safe. A calmness my mother had and one that I don't. It's something I've lacked since her death." Taking a deep breath I finished, "The Gambler gave me a tongue lashing I'll never forget. When Hunter tried to stop him, my father pulled out a gun and shot Hunter. Gambler then forbade me from ever speaking Hunter or my mother Larksong's name. So I swore to myself if he wouldn't allow me to speak theirs, I'd never speak his."

Looking up I saw Spoony flanked by Kid and Buck. Since the door had opened during my story I assumed they heard most of it. Standing there Spoony seemed to be waiting for me to finish, "He tried for awhile to get me to call him by his name. Eventually he just gave up. Occasionally I will refer to him as father when speaking to others. The only thing I've ever called him to his face for the last seven years is Gambler. Until I came here I hadn't speak my mother's or Hunters' names either."

Teaspoon walked towards me, a grim look on his face. Quickly he was followed by Kid and Buck who had the same grim expression. The smell of gunpowder hung in the air around them.

My grandfather did something that caught me off guard. He placed a kiss on my forehead. I didn't know quite what to think about it. A part of me was uncomfortable at the same time it filled some of the emptiness in my heart. Raising my head my eyes met Spoony's troubled blue ones. A tired and pained expression was etched in to his face. Sadly I asked what I already knew, "You met Carter didn't you?"

Silently his eyes held my gaze for a minute. Painfully aware of the possible consequences of this meeting I turned my head unable to keep his gaze. Seemingly more impatient to me Jimmy burst out, "Well Teaspoon? What happened?"

"Carter came with a crew."

"And?", Jimmy prodded.

"He left, but he'll be back", was Spoony's soft response. His concern was evident in his eyes and tone.

Standing up Jimmy walked towards Teaspoon and inquiring, "Do you think he'll come back with more hired guns?"

"No." Teaspoon paused looking uneasy, "I think he's got somethin' else in mind."

Rachel spoke up for the first time, "Why do you say that?"

"His last comment." Looking worried Teaspoon paused like he was trying to find a way to explain, "He said 'There's more than one way to skin a cat.' It made me uneasy. Wasn't so much what he said but how he said it."

Thinking a minute Teaspoon explained it using one of those comparisons as he was so fond of, "Some snakes will rattle their tail to warn you off, to scare a person. Carter rattled his tail at us like the snake he is. Now that he's seen he don't intimidate us none, he's knows he's gonna have to strike. Gunfighters like we've have faced before are easier to understand. Carter's kind worries me. His kind is unpredictable. Add to that the fact he's got a lot to lose should Josie tell what she knows. Well, that makes him like a rattlesnake backed into a corner. He'll fight savagely to the death."

Kid who had been silent until this point spoke softly, "Something Josie said about him has been bothering me. Said he'd stab a man in the back if he had the chance. That tells me he's a coward. He tried comin' straight at us, to try to intimidate us. I think he wanted to test us to see if it would work. Now he knows it won't. What really bothers me is how Josie said his image is all important to him. I don't think he'll try coming right at us again, failure would embarrass him. Plus I don't think his kind really like direct confrontation. That's why he beats those weaker than him. Attacking those that can't fight back and only in places that can be hidden. As Teaspoon said, he tried to intimidate us with his rattle but that didn't work. I think he's going to try to get us to expose our backs so he can get our weak spot."

Feeling a lump in my throat I knew the kind of things Carter would do. Others around me were speaking but I was no longer listening. The voices became silent when I whispered, "United we stand, divided we fall."

Sitting down next to me Buck asked gently, "What did you say Josie?"

"It was something my father used to say to me, about him and me. Carter heard it from him and said it too. Though it was not the way Gambler did. Carter thought a group of people, a family, was a weak spot. He used it against many before. I've helplessly watched him strike down a good strong man using that philosophy", my heart ached as the memories rushed through me. Not just the images, but the smells, the feeling of his blows, and the sounds. Oh what he had done….

Standing up I walked away and leaned against the wall. Closing my eyes I explained, "He'll try to divide you. Together you're like a spider web or a net, connected and strong together. He'll separate you strand by strand, making the web weaker and weaker. He'll pick you off one by one, until you're vulnerable. That's when he'll strike. Kid's right he hates direct confrontation. Knowing Carter he'll go after one of you when you're riding. I'd guess the guys he'll shoot in the back. That way they never have a chance to fight back. It'd be easy enough to make it look like a robbery.

Feeling a little sick I turned to the others as I said, "Rachel and Lou will be at the greatest risk. He'll take one of them to use as bait. Knowing at least some of you will come after them. He'll separate you, divide you. Pulling one strand from the web at a time until there is nothing left."

Moving to stand infront of my grandfather I said, "I have to leave Rock Creek. If I'm right he already has a backup plan set in motion. I have to catch him off guard and get out of here before he can regroup. I have to protect Rachel and Lou from him and what he's capable of. "

"You're not leavin', least not now. It'll be dark soon. Besides there's some things I need to think on, like where you'd go. If you just take off how would I know where to find you? How long would you be gone? What would you do when you get there? Tomorrow mornin's soon enough. We'll figure things out then."

The room was silent for a moment. There was something in the air. Dread filled me causing me to blurt out, "Spoony, I have a bad feeling about all of this."

Placing his hands on my shoulders my grandfather said simply, "I know Josie, I do too."


	8. Chapter 8

_**Author's Note**__: The next couple of chapters will deal with her developing relationships with Buck and the other riders. Josie seems to have no problems bonding with the boys and Rachel, but Lou is another matter. The riders try to find out why. Also Josie will be re-examining and maybe trying to rebuild her relationship with her grandfather. Something which will be made more difficult by lies and secrets, both Josie's and Teaspoon's. You and the Riders will get a chance to know more of what brought Josie to this point and what kind of person she is. As always feel free to contact me with questions and/or suggestions. ~__**end note**_

Jimmy walked with me to the barn in silence. I really didn't want to talk and would have preferred to be alone. However I knew at this moment that wasn't an option. I wouldn't be alone for a while. They'd be keeping a close eye on me, causing an upheaval in their lives until this ended. This wouldn't end until Carter died… or I did.

Concern and even fear had passed through my grandfather's blue eyes. He was afraid, not for himself but of losing me again. I realized that Buck was right. Had I taken off that first night I would have hurt Spoony greatly. At the same time I knew the risk they were all taking for me.

Sitting on the hay bale I watched as Jimmy tried to nonchalantly stroll through the barn. I knew he was making sure we were alone, to avoid any surprises. Smiling slightly I realized he was trying to be non-chalant about so I wouldn't' be scared. My smile became a rueful grin as I realized he was probably doing it for another reason. Somehow he didn't strike me as the kind of guy who wanted to deal with a hysterical female. I had put on quite a show last night.

At the same time I didn't think he was the type of guy who would walk off if I did become hysterical. He just wanted to avoid it. Shaking my head I saw the humor in the situation. Humor was not something I had dealt with much lately. It felt good to feel humor, even if it was at my own expense.

Standing up quickly Jimmy had his gun out of his holster before I heard the sound. Turning my head I saw Jimmy motion me to hide just as we heard Teaspoon's voice, "It's just me."

Walking into the barn I could see the sun was setting. My second day here was about to end and I didn't know any more about what was going on than I did yesterday. Part of me wanted to know every detail, but a part of me was grateful to have someone to take care of me. It had been so long since I had that. Not since my momma died almost seven years ago.

Traveling with the Gambler you had to have your wits about you all the time. We traveled on horses or on the stage coach from town to town. I never knew from one day to the next where I would be. It was always different; it was wherever the big game was. Sometimes we'd settle down for a spell. At those times if my dad's man wasn't with us, he'd send for him. If we were doing a lot of traveling or my father didn't have much money Thomas would return to St. Joe's. His family was there, though he didn't see them as much. I envied him and them. Whenever it was time for him to go home he was so eager to see them. They were just as eager to see him.

"Whatcha thinkin' on Josie?", Spoony asked breaking my thoughts. Feeling him sit down next to me I watched Jimmy walk to the barn door. He stood at the opening as he softly spoke to someone. I wasn't sure which of the riders it was.

Shrugging my shoulders I felt my resistance was weak. Prior to coming here I didn't realize how tired I was. Not just from the traveling and what happened but from life. Trying to find the words I wanted to unburden myself to the man who was supposed to love me. It was hard, my father was supposed to, and I thought he did. How could he if he left me with Carter? What kind of man lies to his daughter, letting her miss her grandfather? Of course I knew, hoped, there was more to the story. Even if Carter knew it, he'd not tell it all. He'd twist it to suit his needs. Usually that was however it would hurt someone worst.

Feeling Spoony's eyes on me I looked up was met by a look that was concerned.. and caring. It had been so long since I could let down my guard and let me real self show through. Having spent so many years acting tough to protect myself, I wanted desperately to just be me. To be someone who had weakness, flaws, and could be loving. I wanted the bond I once had with my grandfather.

Seeing the strange look on his face I realized I was smiling now. Remembering my childhood I almost felt the love I had forgotten, "Do you remember why I started calling you Spoony?"

Warmly smiling a tender loving look came to his face as I heard Jimmy ask, "Isn't it because his name is Teaspoon?"

Laughing I shook my head pointing out, "His name is Aloysius. As for the name Spoony, it isn't a shorter version of Teaspoon. Though I would love to know where the name Teaspoon came from."

"That's a discussion for another day", his tone putting an end to that question as he looked a bit uncomfortable. Reminiscing his tone was wistful, "It was when you lived over by St. Louis. The farm had an apple grove if I remember right."

"Yep. That was one of my favorite places. I wish we had stayed there, mom did too.

"You were pretty young to remember it well."

"Mom talked about it a lot. So I'm not sure if all of the memories are mine or it they're from her stories. Still some memories are so strong, like her baking apple pies. Whenever I smell an apple pie baking I think of her and that time", my voice was gentle and almost happy. It was nice to let go of the other stuff for once and let the memories was over me. Memories of better and happier times.

"Larksong was a good cook just like her mother. I still fondly remember my wife's desserts. She could bring you as much pleasure with her cooking as she could in the…" Stopping short he seemed to remember his company. I heard the boys snicker. Looking at them and then me uncomfortably he continued, "Well let's just say your grandmother was as good a wife as she was a cook."

Looking up I saw Rachel, Cody, Kid, and Noah had come into the barn as well. Rachel moved closer to me as the boys sat down across from us. They seemed absorbed in our conversation. Kid in his gentle way spoke up, "Josie, why did you start calling him Spoony?"

"Teaspoon would come visit us from time to time. My mother Larksong was a quiet and reserved woman, not one prone to showing emotions. Except when her father was coming. I'm not sure how old I was at the time four, five, maybe six. I hadn't known he was coming", my voice had warm happy tone to it. Looking past Buck out the door I could almost picture that day. "Playing outside with my dog I was in the orchard. Seems like I was always out there. Most of my memories are either there or in the kitchen."

Pausing to look at Spoony we shared a look as he took up the story chuckling, "Josie was a bit of a holy terror. When I first caught sight of her she was chuckin' apples at some boy. They'd been playin' when I first saw them. I think he was the son of her dad's friend. Anyhow, her momma cooked just like my late wife. My daughter could cook almost anything, but when I came she always made me a pie. Sometimes it were blackberry, cherry, or maybe rhubarb. This time it were apple."

Suddenly I started laughing, catching Spoony's look I explained, "I remember why I was throwing apples. I guess it still stands out because you scolded me. I was afraid of what momma would do when she found out. She had already yelled at me for throwing apples. You didn't tell on me though."

Cody spoke up, "So what did that poor boy do?"

Grinning widely I said teasingly, "He wouldn't eat my eggs for me at breakfast."

My reference to the earlier incident of my shoving my food onto Cody's plate brought a few chuckles. Grinning back Cody said in mock fear, "Then I better not tell you no."

Laughing harder I had a difficult time explaining, "That IS why I threw apples at him. He did tell me no. I wasn't too happy. Unfortunately for him I had pretty good aim, still do."

Teasing me Spoony spoke up, "Always did like to get her way. A bit stubborn though both her parents were laid back. Just can't figure where she got it from."

Several sarcastic comments came from the boys including, "It couldn't be from her grandpa could it?"

"Nah." Noah laughingly mock defended him, "I couldn't imagine Teaspoon being stubborn."

Sounding a bit confused Kid inadvertently got the conversation back on track, "You never did explain why you call him Spoony. I'm curious now."

"Well my mother had a special wooden spoon that was just for making pies. When I saw that come out I knew she was happy as grandpa was coming. It also meant I was in for a treat. If I was good I'd get to make a small pie too or maybe lick the bowl." Warm memories washed over me as I paused. It had been so long since I laughed and felt the pleasure these memories gave me. Looking up I glanced at Buck and Jimmy who were both smiling at me. Buck nodded his head to so I continued, "She'd sing away while she cooked. Her voice was so pretty, but she was so soft spoken. You didn't often here her speak or sing, but if I saw that spoon I knew. So I associated that Spoon with my grandfather, good times, and good food."

Smiling I turned to Jimmy, "I had heard Gambler refer to him as Teaspoon, but I was little. I thought they were thinking the same thing as me. They called him Teaspoon because when he came mom's special spoon came out. Grampa equals spoon which equals yummy deserts. Spoony equals good things."

Placing his arm around me gently my grandfather leaned in to kiss my cheek, "You just remember that Josie. Good things will happen now that you're here with me again. It'll be ok."

Looking up my eyes locked with Buck's. I wondered what was going on behind those big brown eyes. Staring at him I thought back to that first morning as we walked to the bunkhouse. Buck tried to get me to believe there were good people in the world I could trust, like them. I had told Buck that I wanted to believe him, I just wasn't sure I remember how. Now I wanted to believe Teaspoon, but I just wasn't sure I dared.


	9. Chapter 9

Wiping the last of the supper dishes next to Rachel I felt myself relax and tense at the same time. The last several days went quickly without incident and that worried me. The more I relaxed the more I worried. Teaspoon had been making discreet inquiries, but as of yet had told me nothing.

Rachel jabbed her elbow into my arm. When I looked up at her she had a sly smile on her face and winked. With her head she gestured over her shoulder. Turning my head slightly I spied the riders sitting around the table playing cards. Rachel and I had been listening to them with her adding the occasional comments or words of advice. I had only been half paying attention.

Cody for whatever reason had been having a string of luck mostly at Buck's expense. Glancing over my shoulder I saw why. His attention was not on the game, but on us. When my eyes caught his they got wide for a second. A look of embarrassment crossed his face as he gave me a sheepish grin and he grabbed for his drink. I could tell by the movement of his Adam's apple that he gulped rather than slowly swallowed. Unfortunately this caused Buck to choke, which resulted in Cody whacking him on the back rather hard.

Seeming annoyed but half-jokingly Jimmy barked, "Buck pay attention to the game. If you don't stop staring at Josie you're either gonna choke to death or lose all your money!"

Buck glanced back up at me looking even more embarrassed to which I shook my head smiling. Jimmy chuckled at Buck's expense until Cody said, "Jimmy if you don't quit lookin' at her ass I'll have all your money too. Or then again maybe it's Rachel you're lookin' at."

Jimmy got that look on his face that was trouble and said, "Or both."

Rolling my eyes I turned my head back to the dishes as the boy's laughed. Seeing the look on my face and hearing their comments Rachel scolded them, "Boys!"

The door had opened during the comment and Teaspoon walked in. Turning back to them the boys looked like kids caught with their hands in the cookie jar. However Teaspoon said nothing about their comments. From the look on his face I don't think he even heard. I didn't like the look on his face. Apparently neither did the boys.

"What is it Teaspoon?", Kid spoke up from where he sat by Lou.

Gravely Teaspoon finally spoke, "Josie, we need to talk."

"Alright...", I began his concern alarming me a bit.

Kid stood and offered, "We'll give you a moment to speak privately. The rest of us have some chores to finish up."

Quietly Kid stood and motioned for me to sit down. I was about to object, but from the look on Spoony's face I wasn't sure I wanted to be standing up when he told me whatever it was. Already having strapped on his gun Buck went to his bunk and grabbed his coat and hat. Making a point of walking past me he reached down and for a brief moment touched my face and then squeezed my shoulder. Saying more with a look than most could with a thousand words, I knew he would never let me leave alone nor would he leave me alone.

I had let my childish fantasies control me. He gave me a look the others didn't. Now he was reaching out to me, touching my face to comfort me. Somehow I seemed to have given him the impression there was/could be more to us than was possible. With each day that passed with no word from Carter the more relaxed they became. I took it for the warning sign it was. Carter was like a cat playing with its mouse before he killed it. The only problem was they were the mice.

For a moment the other night in the barn I had felt happy, contented, and almost hopeful. One look from Teaspoon tonight wiped that all away.

"Josie if it's all right I'd like the boys to stay", Spoony sat at the head of the table as I nodded my head. The others gathered around looking concerned.

"I got word today from a friend. He used to be a territory judge. He did some poking around for me, pulled in a few favors", Spoony's voice trailed off somberly.

"What is it Teaspoon?", Buck asked when I didn't. I barely lifted my head from the table to meet his gaze. Buck's brown eyes had a pained expression. The worry was obvious in his gaze.

Looking uncomfortable Spoony pulled at his suspenders adjusting and re-adjusting them. "Seems he did have a backup plan. Filed some papers to have himself appointed her guardian. Says her father left her in his care cause he was gonna marry her."

"There's more isn't there?", Kid asked from where he leaned against the wall.

Spoony took a deep breath as he stared at the paper in front of him. Jimmy looked at me. He had the same look as everyone else. They now had the same bad feeling I did a few days ago. Teaspoon's uneasiness weighing on him and the rest of them too. When Spoony didn't continue Jimmy prodded, "What aren't you telling us Teaspoon? Is he bringing more hired guns?"

"No. He's gone and done something I didn't expect. He's tryin' to get papers sayin' he's responsible for her, because he wants to lock her up. Says she's a danger to herself and keeps hurtin' herself. Said she's imagining things." He looked at the paper again before continuing, "Normally only her father or husband would be able to lock her up. By having himself declared her legal guardian he's gettin' around the fact they're not married."

"Wait a minute...", Lou began indignant. "Are you telling me he wants some judge to say he's her guardian so he can say she's crazy and lock her up?"

Teaspoon merely nodded his head. The others spoke up arguing that no judge would allow that or that it was stupid. I couldn't agree with the last statement, "It's bloody brilliant."

Looking me in the eyes I knew my grandfather had the same thought as me. From the expression on Kid's face he did too. Buck just looked pissed as did Jimmy and Rachel. Lou was steamed as well. Though I wasn't entirely sure it was for me or because a man could have that kind of control over a woman. She valued her independence.

Looking at me as if I really had lost my marbles Jimmy said, "How can you say it's brilliant?!"

"Oh come on Jimmy you know it is too. He will have unrestricted control over me. If he wants to keep me locked up or drugged up for the rest of my life he'd be able to do it then", pausing Jimmy and I stared at each other. Finally he grudgingly gave me the knowing look.

"So why is it brilliant?", Cody asked sounding a little confused.

"Think about it Cody", Kid said looking disgusted. Not at Cody of course, but at the situation and Carter's actions. "If he gets control of her he can have her locked up to keep her from telling anyone what he did. It will also cast doubt on anything she's said in case she has already told someone already. He's going to lock her up by saying she's crazy. After that who will believe what she has to say about him or whatever he's done. "

"So how do we stop him?", Buck's voice was strained. His expression went tense after I stood up and walked past him.

Leaning against one of the bunks I answered his question, "Only ones who really would have had chance at stopping this would be my husband or father. I don't have a husband and who knows where my father is. You know what's sick? Carter learned this trick from my father."

"What do you mean Josie?", the concern evident in Rachel's voice.

Turning back to the others I saw a pity I didn't want to see. I was embarrassed and disgusted by the situation, "It was actually an associate of my fathers who did this. The Gambler introduced Carter to this man when he brought him in on a deal. A man had his mother declared insane so he could get her money. Dumped her in some horrid place and never went to see her again. He spent every dime of money she and her late husband worked hard to save. Though I got the feeling it may have been my father's idea or he at least knew what was going on."

My back was turned to the others as fear filled me. I've heard about the kind of places and conditions these people can be put in. It scared the hell out of me that someone could have that kind of power over me. It was hard enough being a woman. You were pretty much the property of your husband or your father. If you did get out on your own your options for work were so limited.

Lou walked over and placed her arm around my shoulders, "It'll be alright Josie. The boys and Teaspoon will take care of you."

Jerking I shrugged Lou's arm off my shoulder as I pushed her away. Turning I saw the surprise on everyone's faces. I knew mine looked as pissed as I felt. Shoving past her I went straight for the door.

"Josie stop!", Spoony bellowed his command. I didn't feel like complying. Buck who had been standing close to me grabbed me by the waist before I could walk out.

Looking up I saw his eyes searching mine. What he was looking for I couldn't say. What I could say is he wasn't letting me out the door on my own. Breaking our stare I half turned to Teaspoon. Buck's nearness was affecting me. I wanted to run from here and to him at the same time.

"I have to leave Spoony. I can't be here for them to find. I'm sorry but I have to go", I whispered.

I saw the resignation in Teaspoon's eyes as he nodded at me. Quickly Buck said, "I'll saddle the horses."

"Not without me you won't", Jimmy argued quickly standing up hot on his heels towards the door.

"Stop right there boys", Teaspoon's voice was stern. "You're not…"

"I'm going Teaspoon", Buck's voice was soft but had an edge to it that made it clear his mind would not be changed.

Looking over his friends shoulder Jimmy added his two cents, "So am I Teaspoon. Buck will need a second gun to back him up. You're needed here, to protect the town, the stations, and Rachel. Cody, he scares Josie and makes her run out the door screaming. Well he does that to a lot of women… As for Kid, he's gonna want to make sure Lou is safe. Noah, well someone needs to help Kid and Lou with riding."

Looking pleased with himself and his argument Jimmy smiled. Exasperated Teaspoon asked, "Are you done?"

Buck stood there silently as Jimmy nodded looking cocky. Sighing loudly Teaspoon continued, "As I was saying, you're not leavin' now. It'll be dark soon. Besides there's some preparations we gotta make and a letter I gotta write. I ain't gonna let you go off half-cocked with no destination or plan. Tomorrow mornin' will be soon enough. "

Pausing to look around the room Teaspoon then continued, "Buck and Jimmy will go with Josie. They're gonna head over to Carter City to see this friend of mine. Cody, Noah, Kid, and Lou will stay here and help take care of things. Until this is resolved we all need to be extra careful."

Walking to stand directly in front of me Teaspoon said, "No one is going to go anywhere until I say so. Until then Josie will have a guard with her at all times."

"Teaspoon", Rachel spoke up. "Do you think there will be some kind of trouble tonight?"

"No." His soft eyes had gone hard as he spoke to me, "It's to make sure my granddaughter don't get no notions of protectin' us and take off on her own."

Softly he spoke directly to me, "I see those wheels turnin' behind those blue eyes Josie. I know where your mind is goin' and what you're thinkin' of doing. You may look like my mother, but you act a lot more like me. I know that's what your thinkin' cause that's exactly what I'd do in your place."

"You'll be gone for just a little while Josie, until we can figure something out. Have some faith in us", Teaspoon ordered before giving Buck a funny look. He then looked down to Buck's hand which was around my waist yet. Buck quickly let go and stopped a bit.

Spoony and I just stared at each other. His words were going through my head. Have faith. Asking me to have faith was like asking Cody to give up eating and women. I really didn't think it was possible.


	10. Chapter 10

One by one the boys left the bunkhouse. Cody and Jimmy said something about doing chores. As for Kid and Teaspoon they didn't bother with a reason. I wasn't sure if it was to make plans without me or because they wanted to avoid me. Struggling to fight tears I stood alone at the far end of the bunkhouse leaning against Buck's bunk. My faith was in short supply. I was scared.

This was something I hadn't expected. I had thought by fleeing I was free of becoming his wife and therefore his possession. Now I was faced with the possibility of the court handing me over to him. As Marshal it would be Teaspoon's job to comply with the court order. I knew he'd never comply and hand me over. He'd remove that badge and do what he had to protect me. Still I hated putting him in that position.

Soft footsteps came up behind me. I knew it was Buck by his scent. It was so unlike Carter's. Carter was always bathed in some expensive cologne. Bragging about his overseas purchase and how much he paid. The smell made me sick. Buck had none of that it was earthy, natural, and clean. Clean. That was something I could never associate with Carter.

I felt him reach out to me and brush the hair from my cheek. Another clue it was Buck, no one else dared touch me. Not after I freaked out on Cody. I couldn't say I blamed them. Gently he tentatively asked, "Josie?"

I knew he wanted to go outside to make plans with Teaspoon. In all honesty I wanted to be alone myself as I had to clear my head. Turning my head slightly my voice cracked, "Go ahead Buck. I'll be fine."

"I'll be right outside Josie."

I merely nodded my head as he rubbed my arm before walking outside. Only Lou and Rachel were left inside with me. Quietly I went to sit at the table. I needed to get my thoughts together. Perhaps Teaspoon's friend could come up with an idea. He's had a little time to think about it. Maybe by the time we get there he'll have a solution.

Rachel sat across from me and Lou to my left. Looking at the table I tried to think of next steps. What I could do to help resolve this. Giving myself things I could do, a direction, would relieve some of the stress. I liked having a plan. It made me feel like I had some control. I was desperate to have some type of control of my life.

"Teaspoon will find a way to figure this out", placing her hand on mine Lou tried to comfort me.

Uncomfortable I quickly withdrew my hand. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Rachel and Lou exchange a glance. I didn't want to seem ungrateful for everything they have done.

Looking up to Rachel I said, "Ms. Rachel I want to thank you for everything you have done. All the same I have to leave. I can't put Teaspoon in this position. If Carter or his lackeys come with a court order he'd be duty bound to follow through. We both know he wouldn't do that. I can't have him turning his back on the law and getting in trouble for that. So I have to go."

"I know Josie. I understand that," Rachel's genuineness and kindness made me feel better. It also made me worry about her more.

Lou voice sounded encouraging, "When this gets resolved Josie you can come back here and spend time with us. You know we'd love for you to live here if you want. We can get to know each other better. Rachel and I won't be so outnumbered by the boys for once. It'll be nice to have another female friend."

Friend. I've had but one friend in my life. Lou wanted me to be her friend. I could hear their voices but my mind went back. I had one friend Nebraska and I lost her. It hurt. It was a pain I will never get over nor forget.

Abruptly standing up I walked out the door. Lou jumped up behind me confusion in her voice, "Josie? Did I say something to upset you?"

My only response was to shut the door in her face.

Quietly I walked across the yard to the house. It's quiet inside. I'm alone. Surprise hits me as I realize I hadn't really been alone since I came here. There was always someone around me. And I had… become accustomed to it. Leading the life Gambler and I did, wandering, being alone had become normal. I never knew anything different. Even when my mother was alive, she was a solitary quiet person when the Gambler was gone. The week or so it had taken me to ride here I was alone, no companionship save for my horse. It hadn't really bothered me as I was used to it. Being alone was normal. Now I did notice it. Even though it was only a short period of time, I had grown accustomed to these people being around. They had become a part of my life.

Only once before in my life had I come close to feeling this. Only once before was there someone in my life that filled some of that void. Now the riders were more than filling some of the void. They were filling all of my emptiness.

Even right now, in this house by myself I was not alone. I had never fully understood what I was missing out on. Coming to care about these people made me afraid for them. At the same time the happiness and warmth I felt from this "dysfunctional family" eased a lot of my pain. How did I reconcile my fear for them with my desire to have them around? Was I strong enough and unselfish enough this time to make the sacrifice necessary to protect them?

Removing my shoes I sat on the bed with my back to the wall. Hearing the front door open I knew whose voice would follow that sound. It was something else I had become accustomed to. All the same as I heard Buck call my name a sense of relief came. A part of me wanted to run, both to protect these people and myself. To run so I could protect them from Carter and my heart from being hurt. What scared me is that each time I ran, whether it be to the barn or this room, I wanted him to come after me. Afraid that he wouldn't, and knowing it was better if he didn't, I held my breath. The pain and fear in me was intense each and every time I ran. Afraid he wouldn't follow that fear consumed me, even though he always did.

Stepping quickly into the room my eyes briefly met his and I saw the relief. I realized I was becoming as lax as them. Carter was lulling me into the same calm. I hadn't run far, but I ran alone. Who knew what I could have run into? I hadn't thought about it. Clearly Buck had. I saw the look in his eyes when he saw me. Even right now I heard him walking through the upstairs. Once he saw I was okay he did what he did every time. He was checking the entire house to make sure it was safe for Rachel and I. Again I realized the risk I was putting the others through, especially Rachel and Lou.

Lou was nice enough, but I could never get comfortable in her presence. The harder she tried the more it bothered me, like tonight. Deep inside I knew she was trying to be kind and comforting. I could take the comforting from Buck but not from her. I didn't really understand why. She seemed like a kind genuine person. She and Kid really seemed to care for each other. Kid was such a kind patient man. There was something in the way they acted to each other. Something I couldn't relate too. Maybe that was part of the reason I couldn't relate to her. All I knew is each time I looked at her something nagged at me. I felt myself shut down. Then I felt guilty about it, but it just couldn't get worse. I couldn't figure out why and that's why I couldn't stop myself from doing it.

Glancing up I saw Buck remove his gun belt and boots before sitting on the bed next to me. It had become almost a nightly ritual, except of course when he was on a ride. Those nights I didn't sleep. Instead I lay awake all night terrified. Inside my head I imagined the worst possible scenarios. Afraid that Carter had spied me giving Buck a look or a smile. Knowing full well what that would do to Carter. It would send him into a rage that I might give attention to someone Carter viewed less than him. Until I saw Buck riding in I was terrified that he would die because of me. I was afraid for all of them. I couldn't live with that guilt again. I couldn't be responsible for someone I care for dying. When Buck was on a ride I would constantly look for him coming back. I saw a rider coming towards the station I stood still waiting, waiting until he was close enough. Close enough for me to see that flowing hair, the light pants, dark top, and I knew it was him.

Gently Buck picked up my hand in his and waited. Usually it was I who got impatient and spoke up first but not tonight. Wrapping his fingers around my hand he gently urged me to talk, "Josie there's something bothering you more than just this legal thing isn't there?"

A shrug was all the response he got. Squeezing my hand I knew he wanted an answer, but I didn't know what to say. My mind was swirling.

"How am I going to get out of this? I just wanted this to be over Buck." Leaning back against the wall I closed my eyes. I knew my tone sounded defeated, "It's starting to wear on me. I don't see a way out. Maybe it's better if I just return to Carter. That way everyone will be safe."

"Everyone but you."

"Sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. If I return now it'll put an end to this. I'm tired Buck. I don't want to see anyone else hurt. Carter won't give up until I'm dead and he'll hurt as many of you as he can before that. This had to end Buck", my voice was soft and calm. There was a resolve to it.

"Josie I don't ever want to hear you talk like that! Do you hear me? You aren't going back. Carter will kill you. I won't allow it. Teaspoon won't. None of us will. We'll get through this Josie", Buck's voice was firm and angry. His hand ran along the side of my face turning me to him. Lifting up my chin he wanted me to look him in the eyes. So I did.

Bitterly honest I stated what we both knew, "Someone has to die Buck. That's the only way it will end."

Running his hand through my hair he said nothing so I continued, "It's better me than any of you. This is my problem. I should never have come here."

"Josie, don't say that. You did the right thing coming here", he paused when I was unable to stop some tears. Pulling me close he put his arm around me. Resting my head on his chest I tried not to think about how good it felt. Talking softly he gave me the gentleness I needed, "We will get you through this no matter what we have to do. Except for letting you go back. That we can't allow. We know what he'll do to you Josie. It'll kill Teaspoon if something were to happen to you. Your grandfather would go after Carter even if it meant his death. Your grandfather cares about you, we all do."

"Why couldn't my father have cared? It would've prevented this whole situation. How can someone do that? How can Carter do what he does and why would my father put me in this situation? My father's a monster."

Painfully Buck said, "I don't know why Josie. I've tried to figure it out, but I don't understand men like Carter or the man that took my mother. I don't understand how they can be like that."

"Oh… Buck I'm sorry I didn't realize."

"You don't have to apologize Josie. It is what it is. My father was a white man who took my mother. I've seen what humans can do to each other. I've never understood. Sometimes it's blatant things like what you and my mother went through. Sometimes its smaller things like the way people treat Ike", sadness in his voice.

"Or the way they treat you?"

"Yes."

"When you lived among the Kiowa did you have the same difficulties you have here among whitemen?"

"Yes, I was an outsider. My brother Red Bear loved me and treated me well. Among the others I was an outsider. I ate after the others, when I slept their eyes were on my back. It will always be hard for me and for those around me. I'll never be completely accepted."

"By some folks right?"

Buck said nothing. Pulling away from him I turned and gave him a bit of a glare, "You're not including me in that are you? 'Cause I don't give a damn one way or another. Being white don't make a man better. Look at my father and Carter."

Pulling away from him I laid down in a fetal position. Closing my eyes tight I tried desperately to suppress the sobs. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Buck remove his vest and throw it on the table by his hat. Taking off his pouch he hung it off the bed post by his gun belt and laid down behind me.

When he wrapped his arms around me I leaned back against him. It was as if my body was trying to take strength from his. I tried to control the tears as I whispered painfully, "Tell me you believe that Buck. I have to know that you believe I accept you for who you are, as you are. That you know I don't care about the circumstances of your birth or the color of your skin. I have to believe that you know I'll never judge you or hold against you things out of you control. I need to know you believe that because I'm desperate to believe you'll do the same for me."


	11. Chapter 11

_~~**Author's Note:** This is a short chapter as this is setting the stage. Things will really start to happen after this chapter. Hope you like it. ~~_

Suddenly I opened my eyes startled from a deep sleep. My dreams had been filled with images of death, funerals, and of being locked up. I had seen the places they put folks who weren't right. I didn't want to end up there. What I was more afraid of is that I wouldn't end up there. With all likelihood I'd end up six feet under. He wouldn't take the chance that I'd tell someone.

Carter had already set the stage. He needed to be my guardian because I 'was a danger to myself' and 'keeps hurting myself'. So if she were to 'take' my own life no one would be surprised. All he had to do was 'take' my life for me. He'd have no problem doing that. How could I get through this by myself? Chills went down my back and I involuntarily shivered in response.

Buck was still there next to me and must have felt me shiver. I felt the bed move as he slid closer to me and took me into his arms again. Brushing the hair from my face I felt his breath against my ear as he whispered, "Talk to me Josie. What's wrong?"

"I always thought I was so strong. I've just realized how wrong I was."

"What do you mean?"

"The Gambler was always on the move. I grew up in hotels and saloons. The life we lived was dangerous. I saw things a young girl shouldn't. He told me if I wanted to survive I had to be strong. That meant I had to follow his golden rule. His rule was simple. Never let yourself be vulnerable. That meant never trusting anyone. People are only interested in what's in it for them. They'll lie, cheat, and betray you. So don't place your trust in anyone because it makes you vulnerable. If they see a weakness like that they'll pounce on it. They'll hurt you and destroy you", as the words tumbled out I felt myself almost going to another place. I was so lost in the fog in my brain. The fog I had been living in since my mother died. Only thing was I had never realized it. It was as if I didn't know myself, I was oblivious to what was going on around me.

"I followed his rule and it did me no good. I never let down my guard with Carter and yet he hurt me. Maybe that's not true, maybe I did violate Gambler's rule. I trusted my father. Look who he left me with. Either way it doesn't matter. I was still hurt in the end", burying my face against his chest I didn't want him to see my face as I unburdened my soul. Buck's back was to the window and the moon was so bright tonight. It lit up the room with a soft white light. It almost gave a halo effect to Buck. Like he was my guardian angel. What a foolish and fanciful thought.

Part of me wanted to pull away, the Gambler's rules running through the back of my mind. Yet that is what I was struggling against. I didn't want that. I didn't want to be like my father. So many thoughts and emotions that had been suppressed were fighting to get out. I couldn't control what came out of my mouth, "All my father's rule ever brought me was an empty life. A part of me truly believed my father loved me. In his own way as best he could. Yet until I came here I didn't realize there could be something more. I didn't see what I was missing. I see you all together, working, laughing, and struggling together. There is no blood bond to hold you together like my father and I had. Yet you all are still care about each other. You risk yourselves for each other."

"When I came here I was just fighting for survival not to live. There's a difference. You see I had nothing to live for. What I did was instinctual. I never even thought about it until after I was already here. I had always been so sure my father's rule was right, never let anyone in. It was dangerous to be vulnerable and trust. Yet you guys surprised me. You stand together as a family. You have strength because you know you can count on each other. There isn't any doubt that the others will be there for you. You're strong because you take that chance and trust each other. I never understood what I was missing out on. I had thought I was strong when I never really let anyone get close. I had always prided myself on following my father's rule. I never let myself be vulnerable by never taking the risk to trust anyone." My voice trailed off as I finished, "I never truly took that chance because I was afraid. That made me a coward not strong."

"There are all kinds of strengths Josie", Buck whispered as he stroked my hair. "You survived a horrible beating, but instead of giving up you fought to survive. You fled in the middle of the night alone to Rock Creek not knowing if you'd get help. You knocked on our door asking for help. And just now you said you were willing to leave here and go back to Carter to protect us. Those are all risks you took. If that isn't strength then I don't know what is."

"I'm scared Buck. I'm terrified of something happening to one of you. I'm terrified of what Carter will do to me. That's not strong it's weak."

"Under the circumstances anyone would be. Even I'm scared. I'm scared of losing another one of my brothers. I'm scared about not being able to protect you. It's not because I'm weak. It's because I care." Buck's voice was so soft and even. His words were deliberate like he was working things out in his mind as he said, "You were right. I wasn't leaning on my family when the pain of Ike's death was becoming too much. I tried to do it on my own and you showed me that I can't. Does that mean I'm not strong?"

Against his chest I whispered, "Of course not."

"Josie when will you realize that you aren't weak either? I see the strength in you even if you don't. It sometimes seems to take more strength than we think we have to face life. There are times when you won't know where to pull that strength from. It takes strength to ask for help and to let others help you. You showed me that by your actions. Traveling hundreds of miles not knowing where you were going or what you would find when you got there. Taking the chance to find someone you hadn't seen in years and choosing to stay that first night." Pulling me close he brushed a kiss against my hair and whispered, "We can be strong for each other Josie. We will be strong together. And if you can't be strong then my brothers and I will be strong for you."

Closing my eyes I let silence wash over me. As I felt his breathing become more regular as he drifted off to sleep I wondered if he was right. He painted such a beautiful pictured I wanted to buy into it. I didn't know if I was strong enough. I didn't know if I dared.


	12. Chapter 12

~~Author's Note: If anyone has any opinions of what decision Josie should make about her dilema at the end of the story please let me know! Also Sorry for the long delay. I've been sick. I will be updating all stories in the next couple of days. They WILL be updated on a more frequest basis.~~

Looking up I watched Jimmy and Buck adjust and double check their saddles. We were heading off to speak to this friend of Teaspoon's. He was a former territorial judge and a lawyer. Teaspoon wanted to see if there was a way we could be proactive and beat Carter at his own game. Jimmy had insisted in coming along though I tried to talk him out of it. Really I had tried to insist on going alone. That was met by a chorus of no's from Teaspoon to Rachel to Lou and all of the boys. I just wanted to keep them safe.

"You know it's not too late to change your minds about coming…"

I watched as Buck went rigid. His chin butted out a bit and he pursed his lips. He had the most annoyed expression on his face. His tone matched his expression when he said, "Josephine we are _NOT_ having this conversation again."

Jimmy looked back and forth between Buck and myself before adding, "Man are you stubborn Josie. Might as well give it up 'cause Buck's more stubborn than you. As for me, well I've been bored. I'm just lookin' for some entertainment. Ain't much to do here but play checkers and Teaspoon cheats too much."

"I do not", came Teaspoon's indignant reply. "I'm just makin' the game more challenging."

Rachel shook her head before stepping off the porch. She handed a bag of food to Buck and stepped over to me. In a motherly fashion she brushed the hair off my face before pulling my hat up and tightening the string. Her tone was gentle but I heard the concern when she instructed, "You keep that hat on or you'll end up with a sunburned face Josephine Hunter. And you listen to what these boys tell you. They want to protect you as much as you want to protect them. As for you boys, you be careful and bring Josephine back to me safely."

After giving the boys a stare she pulled me to her and gave me a hug. Hugs were not something I was used to. Even before my mother died hugs were rare. Close contact with anyone since then had been non-existent. Even my best friend never hugged me. She knew how uncomfortable it made me. The only contact I really had prior to Rock Creek had been unpleasant. A few times men had touched me while I waited for my father in some of the seedier bars or hotels. Then there was what I suffered at Carter's hands. I had forgotten how comforting a hug or touch could be. Whether it was Rachel's gentle handling when tending my bruised ribs and cuts or how Buck held me when I cried. Prior to Rock Creek I had almost forgotten there was good in the world. All I had known, all my life was about avoiding someone getting the upper hand on you. Whether it be someone cheating you, using you, or hurting you it was all about keeping a distance and protecting yourself.

Pulling myself back I gave her a smile and turned to get on my horse. El Blanco seemed to sense my tension and didn't want to stand still. Buck took his bridle and spoke softly to him in Kiowa. El Blanco reacted immediately to Buck's words and gentleness.

Teaspoon walked over to my side as Buck settled my horse. For the first time in a long time my grandfather gave me a hug. Smiling at me he stepped back and took my hand. There was uncertainty and concern in his eyes, "I don't know what the future holds Josie. Can't make no promises. Could be a hard ride and you may run into trouble. Are you prepared for that?"

"Yes. I have to see if there is an option to prevent Carter from gaining custody of me. I know what the cost will be if he wins. You and the boys will take risks to protect me that could cause you trouble or get you killed. I can't allow that. You've done too much for me already."

"All right Josie. You take care of yourself and come back here quick as you can." Teaspoon paused and pulled something from his jacket and continued, "Give this to Red, I mean Judge Redford Rainer. He's and old friend and owes me a favor or two or twenty."

"Sounds like a good story", I said trying to keep my anxiety at bay with cheerful banter.

Holding my horse as Buck went to get on Spirit, Teaspoon's tone mimicked mine, "Maybe I'll tell 'ya when 'ya come back. Maybe I's won't."

Looking over at Buck and Jimmy I saw them watching me. Knowing they were waiting my signal I nodded my head. As much as I'd like to drag out the goodbyes the sooner we left the better. It was just barely light out and we wanted to get a head start if possible. Maybe if luck was with us we'd put a good distance between us and Rock Creek before Carter's crew woke for the day. If not then I knew it could mean trouble.

Lost in thought I followed Buck with Jimmy trailing me. I knew Buck was using his Kiowa skills to look for signs of Carter and his men. Jimmy's job was to protect my back. We travelled at a good speed for quite a distance when Buck slowed down. Bringing my horse to a stop next to him I gave him a questioning look but kept silent.

Jimmy came up alongside me and then Buck finally spoke, "There's a stream up ahead with some shelter. We can water the horses and let them rest a bit."

"Sounds good to me", was Jimmy's gruff reply. Again I remained silent.

Buck looked at me questioningly, "Josie?"

I merely nodded my head as Jimmy started to urge his horse on, "Let's get going. I don't like stopping in the open if we can avoid it."

Buck nodded his head took my reins and led my horse to the stream. It was only a short distance away. For the most part it was hidden by bushes giving us some cover. Several times Buck glanced over his shoulder behind us.

Jimmy picked up on it as well. As Buck helped me off my horse Jimmy prodded, "What's up Buck? Those Kiowa senses pickin' up somethin'?"

Buck gave my waist a squeeze as I saw annoyance flash across his face briefly. When I placed my hand on his he looked at me in surprise. It was the first time I had initiated contact. In some way I was trying to show him I understood the comment bothered him. I guess I was also giving him my support. This was unusual for me. Inside I felt as surprised as he looked.

Jimmy was asking Buck some question but I was too wrapped up in my inner turmoil to listen to what was being said. Suddenly I felt very foolish. What was I thinking to make that gesture? Truth be told I felt a little sick as I realize I was acting like a silly school girl.

Buck was looking to Jimmy answering his question. Grabbing the horse's reins Buck moved to lead them to water. Not before giving my hand a squeeze.

Jimmy was filling the canteen as I went to the stream and washed my face and hands. Idly I stared at the crystal clear stream. I wished I was that stream. It knew where it was going. Its course was set unlike me. I was in uncharted waters. I had no direction no purpose. Some might say we are luckier as we can go anywhere any time we want. We, humans, can enjoy the flavor of food and smell the flowers. It couldn't feel love or other emotions. That was exactly what made me want to be the stream. It didn't feel pain.

"Josie?" came Buck's questioning voice. "You're awfully quiet."

"Just lost in thought."

All of a sudden Buck grabbed me and shoved me behind him as he moved behind a tree. Turning I saw Jimmy had moved behind some rocks and bushes. Suddenly I saw what they were looking at. I felt my heart drop to my stomach. Jimmy raised his hand indicating two. Buck shook his head and raised three fingers. Pushing me down so that I was crouching behind the trunk of the huge Oak tree Buck moved to the left. I saw him inching closer to Jimmy and I realized he wanted to draw the gunfire away from me.

My heart was hammering away in my chest. I didn't want to watch someone else be hurt because of me. That kind of pain consumes you. It grabs hold of you and doesn't want to let go. A little voice inside my head said all I would have to do is step out into the open and fire on Carter's men. They'd fire back and it would all be over. They'd head back to Carter and tell him I was dead. He would head home then Jimmy, Buck, and the others would be safe. No more pain.

At the same time another voice inside my head said no. I had people who wanted to be my friends. They were kind to me. They had done nothing to hurt me or betray my trust. I studied both of the men before me. Buck's long dark hair shone in the sunlight. Jimmy's hair was almost as long. Their skin colors a contrast. Buck's dark eyes betrayed little but they were so deep. I could stare into them for hours as they betrayed nothing and still feel like I knew the man better. Jimmy's eyes, well I wasn't sure what color they were. They were a bluish hazel color. They were just as intense as Buck's. Yet there was sadness behind them. I knew that look as I saw it every time I looked in the mirror. Yet I also saw a yearning like when he watched Kid and Lou. I think he yearns for complete acceptance and love just as I do. Something we both want but don't feel like we can ever have.

I had opened up to both Jimmy and Buck as they guarded me. Each brought something different to the conversation and my life. Jimmy understood me in a way Buck didn't. Buck was so good and kind. I felt tainted. There was a darkness to Jimmy that I understood. I felt that same darkness. The anger and recklessness just below the surface. Though I played it safe by letting no one close. I took foolish chances and pushed my luck. Deep inside I knew it was because I wanted to feel that fear and panic. I wanted to feel something. Anything. Inside me was an emptiness I wasn't sure could ever be filled.

Gunshots shook me from my thoughts. Dirt flew just inches from Buck when a bullet hit the ground. That bullet could have just as easily hit him. It almost did. What if something happened to one of them? Or both? If I could only save one who would I choose? I didn't know. What I did know is that if I had a choice it would be me that died and not them.

I could end it all.

All I had to do was step out and let one of Carter's men shoot me. It would all be over. The fear, the pain, the danger Jimmy and Buck were in. Slowly I stood and Buck seemed to realize what I was about to do. Buck started to stand and move towards me. Jimmy quickly grabbed him and pulled him back down.

As I stood I felt my resolve was strong until I saw the look in Buck's eyes. I saw the panic. I saw the fear. When I couldn't look any longer I turned my head towards the tree. That's when I was hit by an idea. Quickly I climbed the branches into the thick lush tree. From here I had a bird's eye view.

One man was already down. Another look like he may have taken a hit. He was still shooting though. The other one I had a clear view of. I knew the man well. He had survived so many gunshots and fights. This man was as evil as Carter. My father had often said the man was so evil even the devil wouldn't take him. That didn't stop my father from hiring him when he needed something illegal done.

Drawing my gun I saw I had a clear shot. I knew I'd likely only get one. It had to be a good one. This man had walked away from too many gunfights. The injuries never seemed to kill him. It made him reckless and cocky. He thought he was invincible.

I thought of what this man had done. I thought of Carter. I thought of Jimmy and Buck who I wanted to protect. I took aim. Pulling back my trigger I thought it ironic that I prayed to God for a steady hand. The shot was dead center between the eyes. The monster was killed quickly. He was dead before he knew what hit him.

Suddenly a bulled whizzed through the branches. Quickly I jumped down to the ground once again taking shelter behind the tree trunk. Turning to the boys I saw only Jimmy. I felt a lump in my throat and then realized Buck had likely circled around. A shot rang out and then silence.

"You okay Buck?", Jimmy called out.

"Yeah."

Sitting back against the trunk my eyes were closed in anticipation of what I knew was bound to come. And I was right. I hadn't heard him approach but I recognized his earthy smell. Buck wasn't one to use colognes or whatever like Cody did. Buck smelled of hay, of the prairie, and sometimes of horses. It was a smell I usually liked. Right now I didn't. It meant he was close.

I felt his hand on my arm as the other hand reached up to touch my face. Quietly with a tremor in his voice I heard, "Josephine are you okay?"

Opening my eyes I then nodded my head. I wasn't prepared for what I saw. Oh I saw the anger I was expecting but fear as well. That made no sense to me. To hear Teaspoon tell it these boys had been in a lot of gunfights. And in far more dangerous situations than this. Helping me into a standing position Buck's expression changed. Suddenly I saw the fire I had been expecting. It seemed like he was trying to hold back when I heard him say, "Damn it Josephine what the hell were you thinking? Were you trying to get yourself killed? Because you almost did! Don't you dare try something like that again…."

"Now Buck…", I began.

Buck's eyes had gone cold. His body had become tense and rigid. His voice was gruff and angry as he growled, "NO. We are NOT going to discuss this you will not….."

"As much as I enjoy a good fight", Jimmy interrupted. "We better get going before more of them come. They were Carter's men weren't they?"

"Yes", was all I said. Buck was still looking at me with that intense expression.

Jimmy apparently decided to give Buck and me a minute as he said, "I'll gather the horses."

Buck was still holding my arm firmly but not tightly. For whatever reason, I wasn't afraid. I knew he was upset and I had given him good reason to be. I knew he'd never hurt me. I don't know how I knew but all the same I knew.

Pulling me up against him Buck leaned down to whisper in my ear. He spoke softly but with an edge in his voice, "Don't you ever think of trying something like that again."

"Climbing the tree…", I began.

"That's not what I mean and you know it", Buck hissed into my ear before walking away. He said nothing to Jimmy and took the reins. Not looking at either of us he busied himself by checking the saddles.

Jimmy had a completely different reaction to what I had done. He was openly grinning. Speaking softly, likely because Buck was still upset, Jimmy praised me, "I'm not sure what I'm more impressed with. The idea you came up with, your aim, or your tree climbing ability. I'm only sorry I wasn't over there to watch you climb that tree up close."

"Why so you could look up my skirt?", I teased. Jimmy's grin grew and he made me feel more relaxed.

Giving me a lazy grin he teased back, "The thought had crossed my mind."

Jimmy and I teased each other back and forth for a few moments before Buck interrupted us. Walking over with the horses he said what I had been thinking, "There will be more of them. We need to slow them down."

It was clear Jimmy had been thinking the same thing, "What are you thinking?"

"We need to split up", Buck's tone and expression made me think there was more to his plan.

Jimmy prodded watching Buck's expression, "And?"

"If they follow the tracks they're going to follow the trail with two horses", Buck paused as Jimmy nodded. Smiling a bit he finished, "But that's not what we're going to do. One of us will go with Josie on one horse. The other will ride off with her horse. That way when they follow the two horses they won't be chasing her."

"Good idea." Jimmy rubbed his chin before asking, "So who does she go with?"

"I guess we let her decided", was Buck's response.

Looking back and forth between the two I had the feeling this was a decision that could affect the rest of my life. Do I go with Jimmy who understood me better? Who instead of yelling at me for my actions praised me? Or do I go with Buck who saw right through me and knew exactly what I was going to do? Do I go with Buck who was clearly still upset with me? Jimmy was a free spirit like me. He fit more in the world I had grown up in. Not because his skin was white. Rather it was because Buck didn't have the dark edge Jimmy and I did. We all had things in our past and childhood that had an effect on us. Amazingly though Buck came through as a kind and gentle soul. He was a good honest person and gentle. Jimmy had an edge to him that was exciting and attractive. There was a fire and passion that simmered just below the surface.

I had to make this decision as if my future depended upon it. Because I really believe it did. This decision could likely affect the direction my life was going to take. Each of them was watching me. Who should I choose? Who was my future Jimmy or Buck?


	13. Chapter 13

~~~Author's Note: This is kind of a rough draft. I figured I get it out there right away rather than wait to clean it up. It has taken me too long to do updates lately. Fortunately my creative juices are flowing again and I'm doing a lot of writing. I plan to have more updates to several stories on Saturday night. AS ALWAYS please give me feedback or suggestions. It helps give me direction and keep me motivated. Thanks! ~~~

My mind was at war, struggling between choosing one of those men. I so wanted to choose Jimmy. He was intense, passionate, strong, and viral. He was also dangerous with a bad reputation. Don't get me wrong the reputation had it all wrong. He was a good man but impulsive and reactionary. He praised the daring and ingenuity of my reckless actions.

Jimmy was also the safe choice.

Despite what could happen between us it would never last. There was a wanderlust to Jimmy. Some day he would leave and follow his destiny. There was a pain in his heart that I couldn't fill. I'm not sure anyone could. Some day he would leave searching for the something to ease that pain. Something he may never find. I'm not even sure he knows what it is. Sooner or later he would leave me just like my father did. I would never fully give my heart to him for that reason. That is what made him safe

Buck. Buck was so gentle and kind. He was trustworthy, loyal, and reliable. Somehow, someway, he had gotten me to let my guard down. Slowly bit by bit he broke it down. Raw and weak I was unable to stop it. That made him dangerous to me. If I became weak I might fall in love with him. That would be reckless.

There was only one thing for me to say. The path of least resistance, well that is what I was going to choose. Looking from Jimmy to Buck and back I knew what I had to do. Turning to Buck I was about to say Jimmy's name when my eyes met Buck's.

The words died away in my throat. My resolve wavered but I was going to be strong until I heard Buck's soft sultry voice, "Josephine…."

"I'll go with Buck."

What had I just done? I had meant to. It slipped out. I was weak. I wanted to say that I didn't mean that. It was a mistake. However both boys had walked away from me. They were discussing their plans and getting things ready. Buck grabbed my saddle bag and then got his horse.

Jimmy took the reins of my beloved horse El Blanco and rode off. Fortunately while the boys talked I was able to quickly scratch his head, give him a kiss, and say goodbye. Suddenly Jimmy was gone. It was too late to change my mind. With no other choice I had to get up behind Buck. I had put my hand around his waist as leverage to help me get up. Buck squeezed my hand comfortingly.

Leaning against Buck I closed my eyes and prayed for this to be over. I wanted so badly for this friend of Teaspoon's to find some legal way to protect me from Carter. I was worried for the riders. They were good people. Carter was smart and devious. They're good people so how can the riders compete with Carter? The man is evil and creative.

What Buck did next brought a rare smile to my face. Maybe I had not given him enough credit. His first plan been creative but it also had a second part. Hmmm… not only was Buck handsome and kind but sharp as well. After traveling a little way up the trail he turned toward the creek. Guiding the horse into the creek we then travelled upstream. We went for quite a ways before leaving the creek bed. It was a great way to try and throw Carter and his men off of our trail.

We rode silently for a while. I was lost in thought and I'm sure he was concentrating on what he was doing. The afternoon drew on and the scenery all blended together. I wasn't even sure how far away we were from our destination. Or how far we had come.

"Buck will we make town before nightfall?"

"No. We'll travel as long as we can but I'm gonna have to find a place for us to rest", Buck had slowed the gait a bit. We had come to what basically was a crossroads. Which was the best way to go? Buck seemed to be a bit undecided.

I leaned against him for both reassurance and warmth. The breeze had begun to pick up. Buck gently squeezed my hand. At that moment the call of an eagle was clearly heard overhead. Both Buck and I looked up. It was such a beautiful sight. So proud and majestic, the eagle was amazing.

Suddenly the eagle veered off to the left. Following the less traveled trail and then circled back over us. It repeated this several more times. Almost as if, it was beckoning us.

Turning slightly he said over his shoulder, "If we go to the right it will be quicker. However if we go to the left we'll have some better spots to rest. There are a couple of spots I can think of that are a bit hidden and give us a view. It'll give us somewhere to hide. It'll also make it easier to watch out for Carter's men. The downside is it will take longer to get where we're going."

"It's up to you Buck. I trust your judgment."

Looking both right then left he seemed undecided. Again he looked up at the eagle and then turned to the path on the left. We traveled on for a while and the wind became more biting. Dusk was really starting to set in and it was getting colder.

We came up a small hill and Buck veered to the left. He came to a stop in a slightly secluded clearing. It gave us a view of the trail but hid us as well. Very stiffly I got off the horse. As he struggled to smother a laugh I threw Buck a sarcastic 'thanks a lot'. I knew I was walking like a little old lady. At the moment I felt like one too.

Handing me the blankets and the bag of food Rachel packed Buck apologized, "I'm sorry, we can't build a fire. I know it's getting cold but it would make us too easy to find."

Nodding my head I set down the stuff sighing, "I figured as much. Rachel packed things to eat that don't need to be heated."

Taking the horses reins Buck beckoned, "Come with me Josie. There's a stream just over here. I'll water the horse. Then after I make sure the area is safe I'll give you a few minutes to freshen up."

Following him I watched him take care of his horse. He spoke softly to Spirit in Kiowa. I had no clue what he was saying. Yet it was clearly gentle and calming. I remembered something my mother's friend Hunter once said. You can tell the measure of a man by the company he keeps and how he treats his horse. I knew Buck's friends were good men. The way he was treating his horse said a lot too. It was so easy to tell a horse that was abused. Buck's horse wasn't. The horse responded well and immediately to him. It did not shy away. That said a lot about the man.

Buck finished looking around and led his horse away. I washed my face and saw to the necessities. Sitting on the side of the stream my mind became lost in thought. I was tired. Tired of what has been happening. Also of the life I had grown up in. I wanted what I hadn't had as a child. Some place to call home, people to trust, to lean on, and someday a family to love me.

Lying down I let the sound of the stream calm me. I rolled on my side facing the water. The sound of water always calmed me. The moss on the ground was soft and velvety. It made a good cushion. Wearily I closed my eyes grateful for this one moment of peace. I just wanted to enjoy it for a moment.

"I wondered where you were."

Before I could lift my head I felt the hands on my arm. Whoever was behind me kept me from turning over, their hands were on my arm. All I knew was that it was a man. Vulnerable and alone, I was scared. Visions of that night flashed through my head. Visions of what I had experienced and what I had seen Carter do. I wanted to scream to warn Buck. Yet if I did, I knew he'd come running. I couldn't risk that. Not that it mattered. Just like that night my scream was frozen in my throat.

"Josephine I've been calling for you for the last five minutes. Didn't you hear me?"

I felt myself being lifted to a standing position. Josephine. Carter never called me by full name. No one did, except for Buck. Looking up I felt relief run through me. As I was coming to a standing position I saw the familiar outfit I recognized. The brown pants, a blue shirt, and black vest that belonged to Buck. Never was I so glad that Buck was a creature of habit.

Quickly I tried to mask my fear. When I saw his eyes I knew I hadn't been good enough. I felt his hand on my face as I dropped my stare. I heard his concern, "Josie what's wrong? Are you okay? You were gone for almost twenty minutes. I've been calling for you for over five minutes. When you didn't answer I thought maybe…"

"I'm fine. I just laid down for a minute and must have fallen asleep. I'm sorry", the words came tumbling out of my mouth. Suddenly I was very uncomfortable. Seeing the question in his eyes I quickly covered, "I'm just really tired. I think I'll just skip eating and go to sleep."

Pulling myself away I quickly walked past him back to camp. I saw Buck had the horse all taken care of. The saddle was near one blanket like it could be used for a pillow. There was another blanket close to the first. I took that one and pulled it farther away close to a tree. Feeling his eyes on me I wanted to avoid a conversation. There was no way I wanted to discuss all of the thoughts flowing through my head. Lying down on my side facing the tree I wrapped the blanket around me as best I could. Desperately I tried to ignore how cold the ground was, the wind, the ever lowering temperatures, and how close Buck was.

Only a few feet from me and at the same time a world away. I tried to forget how rudely I dismissed him. Here he was risking his life for me and I treated him that way? Was I giving him mixed signals? Was the little girl in me that desperate for love and the trust that went with it? So desperate that even while I tried to distance myself that part of me called out for more?

All I knew at the moment was that I was tired. Tired and wore down both physically and emotionally. My walls were weakening and my judgment was skewed. Yes, I was just tired that's all. I was reading so much more into this situation than there really was. Closing my eyes I tried to sleep.

Shivering almost violently I awoke with a start. I realized I must have drifted off to sleep for a while. It was now very dark. That made it so much colder. Trying to curl myself up into a ball I hoped to warm up. My limbs were stiff from the ride and the cold. Clenching my jaw tight I tried in vain to keep my teeth from chattering. Maybe I could quietly get up and walk around. Just to get my blood pumping again.

Before I could do that I heard a rustling from where Buck lay. A voice cut through the darkness, "Josie are you cold?"

"No."

"Josephine…."

"Yes."

We both knew I was lying. There was no doubt I was cold my chattering teeth betrayed me. Stubbornness was something I clung to like a shield. Stubbornly I refused to admit weakness. It was my last defense and my great weakness. Buck didn't buy into it and didn't let me get away with it. The nagging voice in my head said to not let him know I was cold. Show no weakness and never let him near me. Right now the greater part of me said to heck with it I'm freezing.

From the sounds of it he was standing up and moving over by me. I felt him reach and put his gun down near mine above my head. Tugging at my blanket he pulled it off of me. Now I really thought I was in danger of becoming a human icicle. Spreading it out he laid behind me and spread his blanked on top of us. Immediately I became warmer. In my mind there were two parts of me battling. One said keep your distance from him this is way too close. The other prodded me. Tempting me by saying how warm his body was and how good it would feel next to him. Those two parts of my mind struggled against each other. My body didn't struggle at all. Before I realized it I had scooted back close to him. I felt him bridge the rest of the gap and pull me close. Emotions, weakness, and distance be damned. I was warm.

That little voice in my mind whispered maybe once this was over I could find someone to really love me. Yet the bigger part of me couldn't imagine a life like that. My entire life had been spent running. Whether the Gambler was running from Teaspoon, a debt, someone he cheated, or me running from everyone and everything. It didn't really matter. Running was all I knew, but…. Soon this would be over I repeated to myself. Either this lawyer could help me or I would end this with Carter myself. A nagging voice in the back of my head said this wouldn't be over until either Carter or I was dead.

Buck's arm wrapped around my waist. His body heat was fast warming me up and making me drowsy. I felt sleep began to wash over me. As my eyes began to close a sudden thought popped into my head that I had a hard time grasping. Who or what was it that I had seen near the barn door my second night in Rock Creek? What was it that scared me so much it made me faint? That memory was so close but just out of reach. I fought against sleep to try and grasp it but I was so tired. There was something my mind was trying to warn me of. Fighting a yawn I heard Buck begin to snore. My eyelids were so heavy. Desperately I turned my strength from fighting sleep to grab at that memory. It was so close. Yawning again I could almost picture looking out the barn door. Unable to keep my eyelids open any longer my mind more clearly pulled up the image of that night. It wouldn't stay focused though. My mind began to float to different subjects as one yawn came after another. I wanted to remember but I was losing the fight to the sandman. No longer could I keep my eyes open. My mind once again focused to the night. I could see out the barn door and…..


	14. Chapter 14

Morning came all too soon. Of course I was never much of a morning person. Nothing good ever came of morning. Today was no exception.

We weren't alone.

Opening my eyes slowly I could almost feel the tension. Buck was already up. Tensely Buck was staring straight into the gun aimed at him. The stranger was doing the same to the gun Buck aimed at him. There seemed to be an impasse. Each was tense waiting for the other to make a move.

"Hello Hawke."

"Josie will you tell your friend here to drop his gun?", was the soft but steely reply. There was a hint of humor in the tone but it rang hollow.

Not feeling accommodating I instead raised my gun. Cocking the trigger I took aim at the unwelcomed visitor. There was a coldness to my tone when I asked, "What do you want?"

Keeping his eyes on Buck, Hawke never acknowledged my action. He probably didn't think I'd actually shoot him. At another place, in another stage of my life he might have been right but not here. Not now. Not with what Carter and the Gambler had forced me to become.

"I'm here to give you a message Josie."

"Spit it out Hawke. Before I forget my promise and kill you."

Laughing bitterly he responded in a mocking tone, "You're not the kind to forget a promise like that. Besides if you take a shot at me and your friend will end up full of lead too."

Without missing a beat I calmly responded, "Hurt one hair on his head and I'll kill everyone you care about."

"You used to be one of those people Josie", his tone remained calm but I knew him well enough to know better.

"That person is dead Hawke. It was far too long ago", pausing when my voice wavered. Showing weakness to Hawke was dangerous. So steadying my voice I said crisply, "State your business. I don't have the time or the patience to play your games anymore."

Again the bitter laughter, "I wonder Josie, when you say that person is dead… are you referring to you, me, or …?"

"Does it matter?"

Lowering his gun it seemed as if Hawke was growing tired of his game too. Turning to face he me, he all but dismissed Buck. I glanced between the two men. Before me were two mixed-bloods. Both were outsiders among white men. Though that is where their similarities ended. Hawke was only one quarter Indian. His skin was much lighter than Buck's. Yet his Indian features were still undeniable. Just as good looking as Buck, Hawke's hair was longer and he was a bit taller. To me the biggest difference was the eyes. When I stared into Buck's brown eyes I felt a warmth. I saw his vulnerability. I saw the good within him. However Hawke's black eyes seemed almost empty. It was as if they stared right through me. I wondered if his soul was now as black as those eyes.

Before me I see my present. Before me I see my past. Looking at Buck then back to Hawke I wondered. I wondered what had happened, how it had all gone so wrong. I wondered what could have been. The moment that door had shut behind him I had banished every memory. Now though I tried not to...I remembered. Through all of this I kept remembering. I remembered…

Lowering my gun I looked at Hawke. We had both lowered our guns yet neither of us had lowered our walls or defenses. We'd been forced to play this game too many times. But why here, why now, I wanted to ask. However the sun was quickly rising. Precious time was being wasted. I didn't bother to hide my annoyance, "You said there was a message?"

"Yes. I'm to tell you that Carter is meeting with the Territorial Judge in less than two days' time."

"And?", I pursued. There was more. His eyes said as much. Making me wait, making me pull it out of him was part of the game. We'd been playing it so long each had learned to play our part perfectly.

"No matter how far you run or where you run to you will never be able to out run your past", Hawke responded somewhat cryptically. Then almost under his breath he added, "Or who you are."

With that he turned and walked back into the woods he came from. Rising very carefully to a standing position I felt a chill go down my spine.

Not wanting to give Buck a chance to ask questions I said, "We need to get going. Two days isn't much time. Hopefully this friend of Teaspoon's can come up with something. 'Cause whatever we're going to do we need to do it fast. Things have suddenly gotten a lot more complicated."

"Josie who was that?", Buck asked leerily as I gathered our stuff.

My eyes looked back to the woods in which Hawke had disappeared as I whispered, "A ghost."


	15. Chapter 15

Was he kidding? Could I have heard him right? Maybe during the long, quiet, and awkward ride in I had lost my hearing. Maybe I had lost my marbles. From the way Buck and the Judge were looking at me my expression must have betrayed my thoughts. I was dumbfounded. He couldn't be serious.

"I… uh… that is…", I stuttered for a moment. "Isn't there any other option?"

Looking at me sympathetically the Judge said, "With the time constraint we have this is really the only option. We need the marriage to take place before Carter gets a judge to sign off."

"Where exactly am I supposed to get a husband? I don't 'spose your local Mercantile has them. Maybe I should try the livery stable cause I saw they had some asses there", my frustration coming through in my tone and words.

I turned to look as Jimmy coughed to cover his amusement. The judge didn't really try. No one said a thing for a moment until the judge's clerk spoke up, "I'd be happy to volunteer."

"Fine", I snapped out just wanting to get this over with. The clerk was as thin as a board. I didn't want to marry him, or anyone, but at this guy was better than Carter. This guy was so weak I'd have no problem fighting back.

"Like hell!", Buck and Jimmy said at almost the same time.

I merely rolled my eyes at their exclamation and said, "I need a husband and he's willing. Unless you want me to choose the drunk we saw outside."

"You know", the judge interjected, "you could marry him."

Looking around I asked confused, "Who?"

"The gentleman you came" he explained, "with Mr. Hickok."

My jaw kind of dropped. The thought hadn't even occurred to me. Almost involuntary I turned to Jimmy. He looked almost as shocked as me. Then his expression changed and he looked downright uncomfortable. I'd almost go so far as to say panicked.

Buck's expression was completely different. That's when I realized the Judge hadn't even mentioned him. Of course he hadn't. Buck was a half-breed. His Indian heritage showed in his looks and attire. Even though he wore clothes that were pretty much the same as everyone else what he wore with them wasn't. He wore his pouch something sacred to him. It was a part of his beliefs. Then there was his straight black hair. He wore it long like his ancestors. There was also the earring. It was a snake vertebra. It was not something you would really see a white man wear. Of course the judge wouldn't have mentioned Buck. He was polite and hospitable with him. The man probably didn't even intend to offend him. He had though. I had seen the fire flash in Buck's eyes. I knew him well enough to read the expression on his face though he quickly masked it. It had bothered Buck. And it bothered me. Though the Judge probably didn't know it my mother was a half-blood too. Even though I knew next to nothing of her heritage, nor felt any connection to it, she was still my mother. I loved her and that meant I loved what made her who she was. Whether I looked it or not I was one quarter Lakota. Even if I hadn't been I would have been offended on Buck's behalf.

Buck was quiet. Actually they all were. It was almost as if they could see the wheels churning in my mind. The Judge was right. We didn't have the time for other options. Hawke had said Carter was going before a judge in less than two days' time. Like it or not I had to get married. My shoulders slumped in resignation. There was no way to escape my fate.

"All right", I began as I walked to the window. "How quickly can we get this done? What do we have to do?"

"I can do it this afternoon", he responded. Stroking his jaw he seemed lost in thought. Turning to his clerk he said, "I need you to help me fill out the necessary paperwork. So whose name do I put in for groom?"

"Mine."

The last of my braid came undone as I whipped my head around. Had I heard that right? There was no hesitation in the voice. No panic either. Jimmy looked almost as surprised as I felt.

"I….", was all I could say as panic filled me. The enormity of what I was going to do finally struck me. Of course he would accept the Judge's plan. I was Teaspoon's granddaughter. The boys would do anything for him. Spoony was a father figure to all of the boys.

"Keep in mind Miss Hunter", the Judge quickly offered. "This doesn't have to be permanent."

Why hadn't he said the 20 minutes ago? Maybe he wanted me to have a heart attack. That would be one way to get out of Carter's grasp. This was like an out of control train. It was going way too fast and I couldn't stop it or get off.

"What do you mean?"

"It would be possible to annul the marriage. Basically fill out paperwork to more or less say it never happened. However to do that you'd…", his voice suddenly trailed off.

"What?", I prodded impatiently.

"Well", he sounded uncomfortable. "You'd have to make sure you don't… well.. um.. consummate the marriage."

Now I felt as uncomfortable as he looked. Terms like that generally weren't spoken in front of a proper lady. Especially by a stranger but this was an unusual circumstance. Still that isn't why I felt uncomfortable. It was the action itself. It was what Carter had done.

Closing my eyes I tried to block the images and sounds. That only seemed to make them more real. What I had suppressed, what I have worked so hard to bury, was fighting its way to the surface. All because of one word. My knees gave way and I felt strong arms around me. I knew who held me. I knew I was safe and so I let me world go to black.


	16. Chapter 16

**~~~Author's Note~~~~ If you are easily offended be forewarned. While there is nothing graphic written here there is reference to violence. This chapter is a bit darker but it will allow you to understand more about the character. **

Slowly my eyes opened and the darkness began to fade away. It was then I realized someone was talking to me. I struggled to stand up and felt strong arms around me. I was pulled back down to the couch. I didn't fight as they made me sit. Feeling the warm strong body next to me I leaned into it. My mind was still foggy and rattled. Slowly it began to clear and my mind flashed back to what had happened.

"Josie are you okay?", Buck whispered into my hair.

Opening my eyes again I looked around. We seemed to be in the Judge's back office. I was given a peek into this room earlier when the Judge came out. The couch we were sitting on was an expensive leather couch. The kind that a lawyer or judge like him could afford. The kind a superficial man like Carter would want too.

"I'll be fine Buck. I just need a minute."

Brushing the hair off my face he seemed intent on making small talk. Probably to help keep me focused. With a hint of a smile he said, "The Judge apologized for using such terms in your presence."

"That wasn't it Buck."

"Then what was it?", concern and confusion clear in his tone.

"I…", I began but changed my mind. There was a question that had been bugging me. I had to get it answered, "Why did you say the clerk should put your name on the marriage license?"

"I'm not going to let you marry some stranger even if he is the Judge's clerk", he began.

"What about Jimmy? He's not a stranger", I pushed. My mind struggled with why I was asking these questions, pushing this issue. Buck remained silent. He didn't seem to want to answer.

When he said nothing I pushed on, "I can't marry you Buck."

"Of course I should have known. I shouldn't have overstepped myself", he said evenly. Almost too evenly. He continued, "The Judge is right a white man like Jimmy is the best choice."

He had become almost stiff as he said that. Sadness filled me as I realized he thought I was rejecting him because I didn't want to be married to a mixed blood. Heaviness weighed in my heart. Do I take the easy route and let him believe that's why I said I can't. Or do I tell him the truth? Why was the truth always so much harder to say?

Feeling his rigidness I couldn't lie to him. I also wasn't sure how much I could tell him. Though I was suddenly sure I couldn't marry Jimmy. There was no way I could let him that close to me. Even if we didn't consummate the union I still couldn't do it. The thought of any man touching me after what I went through filled me with fear.

Any man other than Buck I suddenly realized. Here I was in his arms again. How many times had he held me? How many times had I wanted the embrace even as my mind fought against it? In all those times he had never done a thing to hurt me. Buck wasn't like other men. At the same time I wasn't like other women. He deserved to know the truth.

"That isn't it at all Buck", I began tentatively. "It's me. I'd be saying the same thing to Jimmy if he was here."

"Then what is it?", his voice was so soothing. It was so gentle and even. Somehow it seemed to disarm me. I knew marriage was the best option but still. He had to understand what he was getting into. When I didn't answer he continued, "I know I wouldn't be your first choice. I mean there are a number of guys in Rock Creek who would like to pursue you. Like that new banker. Just the other day Rachel was saying how good looking he was and how into you he was. It's just under these circumstances you don't have that choice."

"Buck that's not it", I was growing frustrated. "I don't care about jobs, that he's some banker. You earn an honest living unlike my father. That's all that matters to me. Yes I guess the banker is cute but that isn't it either. I'm more attracted to you than I am him. I won't bother denying that but that's not the point."

"I'm attracted to you too Josie", he admitted. "It's not just your looks though. Your spirit, sense of humor, intelligence, and kindness. Despite everything you went through you still have a good heart. Is that reason enough to marry? I don't know but folks have married for less. What I do know is that you have to get married. While it may not be reason enough to get married what we feel is reason enough to not let you marry someone else."

"It's also a good reason for me not to marry you. Our attraction makes things more complicated. It makes you dangerous to me", I paused when Buck pulled away to look at me. Before he could ask me to clarify I rushed on, "Either way that's not the real issue. There are things you don't know. Things that will change the way you think of me."

"This has to do with Carter and that night doesn't it?", regret and sadness in his voice as he questioned me.

"Yes. I have to marry someone before he gets control over me. I'd rather die than go back to him. Especially after he…", my voice broke and I lowered my eyes away from him. I couldn't look at him.

Wrapping his arms around me Buck asked gently, "Did he rape you Josie?"

"He… what he did… how he beat and hurt me was nothing compared to what he did to her."

"Her?" he probed.

Taking a deep breath I felt the words spill from my mouth. This was too much to keep buried. So I unburdened my soul to him, "Nebraska was my best friend. Her father Vic was friends and sometimes business partners with the Gambler. Carter entered into an arrangement with Vic when my father was gone. Carter intended to rip him off. He always thought he was smarter and superior to everyone else. At least that is what he was desperate for others to believe. Him too I guess."

Buck stood up to get me a glass of water when my voice kept cracking. Taking a quick drink I handed it back then continued, "Vic saw it coming though. To teach Carter a lesson he undercut him. He got the better of Carter and everyone knew it. In public Carter pretended to take it jovially. In private though he seethed. Anger consumed him. No one embarrassed Carter and got away with it. Carter was going to teach him a lesson."

"By this time", I continued as I stood and walked to the window. Pausing for a second I watched as the all-day rain turned to snow. It would be almost impossible to head home tonight. Staring aimlessly out the window I continued my story, "I knew I had to leave Carter. Nebraska had promised her help. So that night while Carter thought I was at a recital I snuck off to Vic's house. Vic and the rest of his family were out. Nebraska begged off ill so she could wait for me. When I entered the house I knew something was wrong. I could hear her screaming and begging. I ran towards her voice to help and that's when…."

Tears were streaming down my face as I felt my resolve leave me. Deep within me a voice said that as long as you don't say it out loud it's not true. I knew better though. Still a part of me wanted some type of hope. Buck's arms encircled my waist and I leaned back desperate for his strength. He had told me that when I couldn't be strong he would be strong for me. Well now was that time.

Laying my hands on his a voice I almost didn't recognize as my own continued, "When I rushed into the room a part of me died. Carter was raping Nebraska. I ran towards him in some foolish attempt to stop him. I wasn't conscious of it but I screamed. He turned at the sound of my scream. Carter wasn't just mad he was infuriated. Almost as if he was a man possessed. Screaming at me I couldn't hear what he was saying at first. Nebraska tried to get up and he flung her back down. Turning to me he swung out. The force of his blow knocked me off my feet and I hit my head. His hands wrapped around my neck and he shook me. Telling me if I tried to make a move he'd come and strangle me again. The next time he wouldn't stop. My throat hurt and the room was spinning. Before I could pass out he slapped me hard. Telling me I needed to learn my place. That he was going to show me what happens to people who embarrass or disobey him. That's when he proceeded to beat Nebraska before raping her again and again. When he was done he wrapped his hands around her neck just like he had mine. But he didn't stop. I had heard her screaming over and over, begging for my help. Then nothing. I couldn't see straight and could barely stand when he pulled me up. Still I should have done something. She was begging me to help her and I couldn't. Carter almost looked gleeful when it was over. There was something in his eyes that told me he wasn't done though."

"What happened next?", Buck prodded knowing I had to get it all out.

"Carter dragged me home. He railed at me for being there. I wasn't where I told him I would be. Lying to him wasn't acceptable. I needed to know my place. And why was I there? Did I think I could lie to him or get away from him? Telling me he had to show me my place and to let me know what would happen if I tried to leave him he beat me", there wasn't any sadness in my voice as I told of my own plight. I felt nothing. Empty and exhausted, I felt beaten.

"Is that all?"

"No", I barely whispered. "Carter held me to the floor and said he wouldn't rape me. Because his child was not going to be conceived out of wedlock like he was. His child wouldn't know that shame. However no one was going to take my virginity but him. He was going to shame me so that no other man would ever want me as a wife. All I would be good for was a common whore."

Pulling away from Buck I felt just what Carter wanted me too. I felt dirty and worthless. Carter was right. Why would any man want me knowing I wasn't really pure? Men wanted good girls. Men could do what they wanted but women were supposed to be virgins when they married. Men knew if they were or not. There was no faking it. Telling Buck the truth would change his mind about marrying me. It would save him from me. I couldn't look him in the eyes as I explained, "He instead took my pureness with his fingers. He made me dirty. Even though no man had lain with me I'm not a virgin in the truest sense. Any man I married would know that. They wouldn't want to be married to me. Men have ended marriages when they found out women lied about that. While he didn't do to me what he did to Nebraska he's scarred red me just the same. Knowing the truth I won't blame you, or any man, from running as fast and far from me as they can."

"Josephine what he did doesn't make me think any less of you. The fact that you persevere and keep fighting after everything makes me respect you more. I don't want to run from you. If anything I want to protect you", talking gently and matter of factly he was calming me. Sitting next to me he made a point I hadn't thought of, "Do you think I loved my mother any less because some man took her against her will?"

There was a knock on the door. Opening it slowly the Judge said he was ready with the paperwork. All we had to do was perform the ceremony and sign the papers. I would be a married woman and the property of my husband not Carter. What had I gotten myself into? What else could I do?

As we stood and walked to the door Buck grabbed my hand stopping me. Turning me to him he said something I didn't expect, "Josie I know that marrying me, or anyone, is not your first choice. Still this is the best way to protect you. I want you to know I will never do anything to hurt you or make you do anything you don't want to do. I just want to protect you."

What did he mean by 'anything I didn't want to do'? Before I could ask him that he walked out of the room. Standing before the Judge as were married I wondered who would protect Buck from me and from Carter. As we were about to sign the papers I found I couldn't stop myself from saying, "It's not too late to change your mind Buck."

Stopping with the fountain pen mid-air I saw the same annoyed expression I had seen before we started this trip. His jaw was set and lips tight as he seemed to be trying to contain his frustration. Unable to do so his response was, "Damn it Josephine."

Before I could comment he signed his name sealing the deal. Like it or not for better or worse I was no longer Josie Hunter but instead Josephine Cross. For better or worse? I shuddered to think how it could possibly get worse.


	17. Chapter 17

Staring out the window I watched the slush continue to come down. Mother Nature couldn't seem to make up her mind. First rain, then snow, then mix. Either way it was cold, wet, and miserable out there. Leaving tonight wasn't really an option. There was no way we'd make it back home before nightfall. There was also no way I was going to sleep out in that mess.

Fortunately the Judge was a good man and seemed to owe Teaspoon a big favor or two. Even offering to pay out of his own pocket for two rooms at the hotel. The Judge also walked over there himself, through the rain and slush, to secure two rooms. Two rooms, one for the boys and one for me, well that was the Judge's plan anyways. The boys had other ideas. Wisely they did not think it safe to leave me alone. Since Buck was my husband, even if only in name, it made sense for us to share a room.

To me it didn't make much difference. I had more pressing matters on my mind. Something was lurking in the back of my mind. The something from that first night in the barn. What startled me so much I passed out? Why had I blocked out what I saw? Why did Teaspoon want it kept a secret from me?

Also there was Carter. This was too simple of a solution. He was not going to walk quietly away. This was more of a stalling tactic. As someone who always wanted to get his way Carter wouldn't let it go. What would be his next move? And what was in that letter Buck gave to the Judge from Teaspoon? More importantly why was Hawk suddenly in the picture? What did he want? How did he find me?

Half turning I looked toward the boys. They were quietly discussing something. Buck kept looking at me so I knew I was the topic of discussion. I heard Jimmy say the word Hawke before being hushed by Buck. I knew there would soon be hard questions I'd have to answer.

This situation was rapidly getting out of my control. Somewhere along the line I seem to have thrown my hands up in the air and let others take care of me. I seemed willing to let them solve my problems and that wasn't me. It also wasn't fair to them. They didn't ask to get dragged into my situation but they all were. They were all in danger because of me. Heck Buck was even married now. This had to end.

Hawke. There had to be a way I could use him to my advantage. Did I trust him? Sighing I admitted to myself that my questioning was not my fear of trust but of him. He was a wildcard. Unpredictable and sometimes dangerous, he was a dangerous foe and sometimes an even more dangerous ally. I had thought him long gone. Yet here he was. How many other ghosts from my past would come back to haunt me?

Secrets. Secrets have a way of fooling you. They can lull you into a false sense of security. They allow you to believe that others will never discover the truth. Worse yet are the ones long buried you think they will never come back to haunt you. They always do. Even if they remain hidden they eat away at you. Would anyone forgive the secret I carried with me? Would Buck forgive my lie?

It wasn't really a lie, more of a half truth. Hell what kind of bullshit am I trying to tell myself? A half-truth and a lie are the same thing. You're trying to keep someone else from knowing the truth. It was so many years ago. I did it to protect them. Could they hold that against me? Even if they wanted to it didn't matter. It was worth the cost. It was worth all the pain I went through and the life I had to live. My lie was my badge that I wore with honor. My lie was my anchor that would some day drag me down and drown me. I lied to both of them. I also wasn't the least bit sorry.

Turning to look at the boys I wished things had been different. However they were what they were. My house of cards was fragile. I had spent the last six plus years waiting for it to fall down. Looking at Buck I now saw what my lies and life were costing others. I was no longer going to wait for others to knock it down. I was going to bringing crashing down around me all by myself. This time things would be on my terms but enough was enough. All of the lies and games had to end.

Was this the beginning of the end? Or was the end a beginning?

Walking to the clerks table I motioned to the paper and pens. Eager to oblige the clerk stood up so I could use his desk. Quickly I wrote a short note and a list. Softly I handed one of the notes with some coins and pleaded with the boy to deliver it for me. More importantly that he not let anyone know of my request. Using his obvious attraction for me to my advantage I fluttered my eyelids and leaned forward giving him a glance of my breasts. Shameless? Yes. Effective? Yes. The Gambler once told me you use whatever assets and strengths you have. All's fair in love and war, this was both.

Turning my head at the sound of his voice Buck handed me my coat. Accepting it I stood but said nothing. Part of me was afraid if I opened my mouth I would somehow give away too much of my hand. Part of me was afraid if I opened my mouth now I would lose my willpower and their games would never end. I was ready for it all to end. They no longer deserved my loyalty, Jimmy, Buck, Rachel, and the others did. They asked nothing and risked everything. The others they asked so much of a young child. It wasn't right. For too long I let others lead me. No more.

The boys gave their thanks and said their good-byes. Letting Buck speak for me I merely nodded. Pulling their coats tight the boys braced themselves for the cold and wet outside as they opened the door. Standing still I watched the rain turn to snow again. Buck's intense eyes stared into my eyes. I could see the questioning and curiosity. I smiled in response to which he arched an eyebrow.

Buck took my hand and I followed him outside. While I let me husband lead me now I was about to change the course of so much. For the first time in my life it was about what I wanted, what I needed. For the first time in my life I was going to go with my gut. I wanted someone I could trust. I wanted someone I could lean on. No I didn't. I didn't want someone. I wanted Buck.

The air was crisp and the snow wet. Yet I didn't hide from it. Rather I enjoyed it. For the first time in a long time I felt clean and refreshed. Somehow letting go invigorated me. As nervous as I was I couldn't quit smiling. By now both Buck and Jimmy were looking at me like I lost my mind. Before I could stop myself I laughed out loud.

Following Jimmy into the hotel I heard him remark to Buck something about she'd finally cracked. It only made me laugh again. Jimmy led the way upstairs and Buck followed me. Pulling the hat from my head I shook the water from my hair feeling almost giddy.

"Is she drunk?", I heard Jimmy ask.

Biting my lip I tried to stop myself from asking as Buck opened the door to our room. Jimmy was right across the hall. Shrugging his shoulders Buck motioned for me to wait as Buck checked out the room. Satisfied he nodded to Jimmy who by now was opening his door. Looking at me again he told Buck good luck then something about either way he was going to need it. Saying nothing Buck pulled me into the room.

I watched as my husband, how funny that sounds, placed our bags on a table. Locking the doors and checking the windows he glanced at me again and again. Silently, he hung up his coat as I handed him mine. Looking him straight in the eyes I said, "We have to talk."


End file.
